I took a rocket ship to MIA

So it's been a while. No I didn't die. Not yet. Still battling on. And when I mean battling I mean BATTLING!

I shut everyone out I haven't been on for what feels like an eternity although I am still trying to read! As far as blogging goes I myself haven't blogged in some time and I'm getting very behind on other people's.

Ward round on Monday really sent me into a tail spin they changed me to bolus feeds :'(. Which wasn't helped by the fact I was told.im on a weight restoration 'meal plan' and I feel this is unnecessary as according to bmi (which I'm not sharing) I am still within healthy limits. I was taken off bed rest and put on lounge rest yay. But I've been back on bed rest since Wednesday because I've had a wicked headache thems the rules if I'm physically unwell I'm to be in bed ugh.

I was just seen by the neurologist not to long ago who dx me with a migraine and is putting me on medication for it. I did have endone this morning and man it was good! I've had paradol 3 xs today and just had another round of endone.

I met with the reg who really listened to me and is putting me back on loraz to help with sleep (as when I wake up after timazepam I get really anxious I've done something 'stupid' re:tube feeds) and then reassessing the 24/7 VS bolus feeds on Monday only two days and three nights I can do that...right? If I can continue to prove I am not tampering with it they may well change me back which would help my mentality tremendously.

On Tuesday I was supposed to meet with a duty worker from a sexual assault victims unit to see how they can be of use to me. The hospital knew this as the time was arranged with them so it wouldn't interfere with anything else but the reg told me today she had consulted with the psych and they all fear I am "too fragile" physically and mentally. So that's been postponed.

The op referral for cardiology that was supposed to be sent a year ago arrived Thursday last week so I got it on Tuesday I showed it to the reg today -everyone whose seen it has laughed at how ridiculous it all is- and she said I wouldn't be able to go to it-the wards locked for gods sake, and probably for good reason!-(even though it's in the same building so I have a feeling she knows she's going to win the tribunal I have a feeling she will too *sigh*) but she's going to see if they can come here instead. So many specialists at the moment it's crazy. Nobody has ever taken my health this seriously in the past and it's scary how seriously they are taking it now.

I have a hearing on Wednesday to see if I stay sectioned or not. I was completely honest and said if you keep me on the bolus I'll fight you for discharge if you change me back to 24/7 exhaust all our options and work collaboratively you're best to leave me on section because based on my impulsivity I would discharge myself come my head too much-as it does quite frequently!

One of my friends the one who bought me in is cranky with me she has a lot on her plate but taking it out on me isn't helping either of us. My other friend it appeared we're playing phone tag. And my other very close one is supposed to be coming up tomorrow but she's supposed to be bringing decorations for my room to get in the Christmas spirit and an electric blanket to keep me warm. Yay these seem positive even if physically I feel really bad. They should keep me preoccupied and make for a GOOD weekend.

This weekend I will prove I'm better then my anorexia and we will see what happens on Monday in accordance with aiming for recovery or letting myself fall into relapse which I really haven't fallen out of I'm being fed via a tube for gods sake. I won't even drink water!

Waiting for this second round of endone and third round of paradol to kick in until then I'm laying in the dark trying to catch up on the blogosphere.

Stay strong much love and well wishes to you all xx

I think the Cadbury melted

Life is sweet like Cadbury ha that makes me laugh to think that Was the title to my last post. I successfully lost all the weight I gained in my 1 week medical admission. I got home and reverted to the same habits. They had never been broke a tube down your nose for a week and one yoghurt later does not make you recovered oh hell no.

My body ended up on an even worse downward spiral I was fainting constantly and I ended up spending another week on a medical ward I am now in the specialist ward that wouldn't even consider taking me due to my medical instability. Unfortunately a week and a half later I am still compromised. Everyone keeps using the words associating the words "brittle" and "sick" with me everyone keeps telling me "it's the disorder not you" the reality is the disorder is a part of me. A huge denominations factor that is entwined in my genealogical makeup.

I'm on a nasogastric tube. I've absconded. I've put the ward in lock down for a week and a half. I've pulled the tube out God knows how many times 9 (?) and each time they put it back in. I've been pumped with this fluid and that. Stuffed with this medication and that. Code grey-security have been called numerous times and I have been shackled twice both very traumatic experiences not to mention they almost shackled me again two nights ago somehow I wriggled me way out of that one. I've had 1on1's.

I'm at a total loss for life. I started October willing to fight trying to fight with all my might nobody did anything until I nearly had a heart attack and even then I was expected to make day trips to the emergency department. So my psychiatrist is no longer. And now I'm receiving adequate support I can't run from it fast enough the fear of a life without my anorexia is one of the strongest feelings you will ever feel when your anorexia takes on the entirety of your being your personality your hobbies and passions. When all you want is to disappear and you are stuck on a ward that is enlisted to do the opposite of that.

Either I will be here for some time and actually get better or even just better would serve purpose enough to live instread of exist of floating on a puff of black smoke that clogs your lungs. That or, I face the stark reality that the demon shall never be exorcised from my body that I will be one of that 20% statistic. That the horrible psychiatrist was right.

Life is sweet, like the world is made of Cadbury

I gained 2.2kilos in a week. When I look at it objectively I know it was merely rehydration. But I felt on the brink of a total meltdown. I was discharged yesterday with no real follow up in plan. Long story short the hospital is incompetent and that's ok I am ok with that. I am happy to go home and starve myself into dust particles. So I'm only 500g away from my admission weight now. Although I'm feeling much better now physically due to rehydration and electrolyte restoration and my brain less foggy and more Becky-like I am suffering quite bad dizzy spells every time I go to stand the room swirls I lose sight and can't hear and as quick as the onset it buzzes back into focus like confetti joining to make a wonderful piece of art.

Life is sweet like the world is made of Cadbury when people don't make you want to throw yourself off a cliff face any more then you letting your mind savage your body. That's ok though. I am OK.

The heart of the beast still beats

Well I suppose it's about time I write on my dear blog. I haven't felt up to writting. I haven't felt good enough. I haven't felt thin enough. Sick enough. I have felt fraudulent above most else.

I lost 22.2kilos my bmi is now on the lower end of the healthy spectrum. I became a huge risk for heart attack and on Thursday night my friend bought me into a&e after a fair battle with my doctor about my medical stability or rather instability. It is now Saturday I have been pumped with this fluid and that. Glucose, saline, sodium chloride, thiamine. I am on a multivitamin and potassium. But I guess the real deal breaker is after a year I have a frigging tube in my face again and I'm back to gaining weight. I'm in the medical ward before I likely get sent to the window licker ward before I get sent to the piggy farm.

There is so much to say. About the admission. About the past month and a half. My life took one of the greatest turns in my history of anorexia relapse. I lost a significant amount of weight whilst barely trying. I became super obsessive about exercise and cleanliness. I messed around with parts of my body I had minimal damage too most of importance being the stress I put on my heart. It was very dehydrated and somehow for the first time ever I am now bradycardic as a pose to tachycardic. I lost more then sleep and weight. I deprived my brain and became the ditzyest person I knew. I didn't even recognise myself my thoughts my actions. It was and still is like living in a constant state of anxiety on auto pilot. I am no longer seeing the man who supposedly knows all.

The hospital psychiatrist yesterday restated the statistics. 20% of anorexics die in 10years, 10% from suicide and 10% from complications he said given my history he believes I will fall into that 20% category. I feel this was an unnecessary comment that is now ruminating in my head.

I am feeling unfathomably bloated today and like running away deep into a forest. Away from everyone. Everything. Myself.

Anyway I suppose I should let you know I'm slightly happier now I'm not living at home. I am living in a refuge. Given the same ultimatum; eat or get out. Clearly I chose the latter.

This post is very all over the place but I hope to write something more cohesive in my next post whenever that may be.

Keep strong and stay well Bella's xx

Descent..

10.2 kilos.

22.44 pounds.

Nothing else needs to be said. 

Fire exits

Well I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. Interesting session. My appointments pass in a haze of slight nodding and shaking of the head, averted eye contact, hands clenched to my eyes and hair flailing in my face whilst my legs bounce up and down whilst I sit perched on a chair ready to run incase of a smouldering inferno. My signature stance. 

He called me sick and I begged him not to associate me with that word so we agreed on rather then sick "feeling crap" it didn't really fit the profile but it was a better word then sick. I'm not an invalid and I'm not dying therefore I am not sick. He told me he advised my GP to no longer see me when she asked for his guidance as I don't take her advice ie.iron infusion, which isn't entirely true I did inform him I took her advice and made a trip to the ER (pointless nevertheless but I went against my better judgment). He told me she's too kind and he doesn't think she'll stop but he does think she needs to have a firmer grip on my treatment. We also changed my meds I'm now on a pretty half purple half turquoise capsual; fluoxetine, instead of mirtazapine as I stopped taking my night meds (long story short my head yells me my body won't metabolise it the same and I'll get fat) and my "anxiety is significantly elavated". It's a morning med and it's not proven to have any weight effects so at the moment I've deemed it safe. 

I'm still not sleeping a measly 4hrs sleep a night tops. It's probably a combination of things anxiety, lack of food, dehydration, and working myself too much (in accordance with everyone else's beliefs). I do amazing things in my greatest times of insomnia.

It was sprung on me today my dearest grandmother is coming down tomorrow until Monday. Cue panic. She's a big one for physique she's not petitley built and she loves her tucker and watching others eat. She finds it her duty to feed people and watch their weight and worst of all comment. I've lost over 15 kilos (33lbs) since I saw her in MARCH! I'm not overweight I was healthy I am healthy but to anyone who hasn't seen you for a while an amount like that is sure to be noticeable. Yup I'm in for a mouthful ugh. But I do dearly miss her she has the best intentions she's the kindest soul I love her to bits despite the fact she drives me nuts! When she rang tonight she told me how she misses having me at the house it filled me with such sadness I truly loved living there the fresh start, the school, the climate, my family, the space, the dogs but my school was mile's away, I didn't have any friends near by, I lived with elderly people, I didn't have the right supports and I missed my parents even though they hate me (and that is no exaggeration of the truth). I suppose it just wasn't the right time I wasn't strong enough. Maybe I'm destined for this shitty soul sucking city?

I saw my case manager/psychologist today and in CAT therapy we draw a diagram of where patterns play into one another the centre is "Eating Disorder" she crossed it out and remarked "How does that make you feel to not have an eating disorder? I think it's BPD with a tendency to not eat" I was like "What! Come again?" I nodded and said "It's fine if that's what it is that's what it is" I shut down after that and she could feel the tension in the room thank god it turned out to be the end of the session although I could tell she wanted to delve deeper. She generally forgets to organise next week's appt so I do the honours of reminding her. I didn't today. She turned to me and said "Sit. I'm a goldfish I forget this every week! How's next Friday?" I smiled nervously and told her it was fine so she booked it and as I was about to run for the nearest emergency exit she said "Why do I feel like your not going to come back? Maybe I pushed you too hard today? If you don't agree with that we can change it, it was just a thought you know me I have a lot of thoughts" ha yeah right like that I just choose not to eat like it's fun and a barrel of laughs to feel like your physically and emotionally dying everyday and to see the damage your doing to everyone else and how the notion of living fills you with more fear then the idea of dying. 

Time for some good (perhaps?) news again? I have a coffee date next Saturday. I say date as date because I don't know what it is, Coffee? Two people rekindling after 8 years of no contact sheesh I haven't spoken to him since I was 12! I'm nearly 20! Or a...date? I did like him but I was a little kid back then he still makes my heart skip a beat but we've grown up we've grown into young adults we have new hobbies friends and lives! Do I still like him? We know nothing about each other now to be honest it'll be like to strangers meeting for the first time. I guess time will tell. I'm still shocked he wants to catch up with me. ME!!!

My little red balloon

Each day I'm out of hospital is a blessing. Each day I don't die I can't help but think what will tomorrow, the next week, month year look like. Will I get better? Or, worse?

I can't remember what I said in my last post it feels like an eternity ago since I wrote. Perhaps that's because the last entry was an accumulation of about 4days worth of effort to write something substantial. 

Tomorrow is yet another 4weeks past since my last appt with the psychiatrist it makes me shudder just to think of it. My energy is drained I can't help but lose all sense of empathy. I hope he's as exhausted as I am and just doesn't say anything that'll hit a nerve because I don't have the patience I'm paying the money you ask the questions and I'll try to summon the energy to respond more then a head gesture. 10am bright and early in the prime of my day haha that's I'm funny.

I'm not sleeping. For the past two weeks I have anywhere between 0-4 hrs sleep. And even that's not restful. It takes forever to drift off and then I'm restless and constantly waking up and checking the time that has lapsed. I've had 1 solid(ish) nights sleep of 6hrs! Shock horror. And then yesterday I slept 4hrs and went back to bed mid morning for another two. I had my first REAL hangover. 

So I suppose that calls for some explaining? I had a friend who turns 21 on Wednesday she invited a group of our old school friends round to her joint on Saturday night for a bbq drinks and board/card games. Out of a moment of pure madness I accepted the invite only later to regret it I couldn't pull out it was her 21st! And I've missed so many milestone birthdays in the past 2 years. Plus I'd need a pretty darned good excuse to skip it seeing as she lives 3 doors down. I bought 4bottles of sugar free vodka cruisers-lolly water (I love how they are 'sugar free' and yet still have far too many calories), a strongbow apple cider and two Canadian clubs mixed with coke- more Canadian club then coke.  The unplanned for 3 were needed the young children (2yrs younger then me lol) were talking about eating disorders and how fat they were and blergh. No, just no. I was very tipsy and if I leant over my chair very nearly went ass over head but it was a fun night I enjoyed it and stumbled home at 1.30am. Once home I rode 10k and wrapped presents and wrote cards for the proceedings day.

I awoke yesterday and the world was spinning I felt like puking. Which probably wasn't helped by the fact I only ate a lettuce leaf and a sausage Saturday. But I had to get up and face the day because it was Father's Day (one of the biggest days of the years supermarkets cash in on those wanting to splurge affection-Apple on a stick. Makes me sick. Makes my heart beat 2-46). And my little brothers 7th birthday the hex of an Anorexic in flight. 

September for me is the worst month for celebrations apart from Christmas which involves my sisters birthday, Christmas Day, the aftermath and New Years (and when I was at school end of year breakup). September similarly involves Father's Day, my brothers birthday, my nieces birthday, my brother in laws birthday, my birthday afl grand final and 3 days after my birthday putting us just into October is my older sisters birthday and about a week or two after that is the show. September 1st marks the decent into total chaos!

Needless to say I was extremely bloated yesterday. And my little balloon has deflated a teeny bit but it's still full of too much hot air. Ugh.

Oh and my grandmother is also possibly coming down for 3-5days next week. I wish no ill upon her but I wish something happened to prevent her coming or at least not for as long. Just can't deal! Need my space and no prying eyes thank you.