Perfect imperfections

I hate the craving of food, the longing of food, the wait for each meal time to come around again. That's all my day revolves around! The next meal time, the next snack, what I'm going to eat next?

I hate looking forward to it! But most of all I'm looking forward to it all being over, to go home and eat my pumpkin soup all by my lonesome again. I'm looking forward to being out of this prison hospital without intent to return, 

I'm looking forward to my comfort in my own skin, in losing weight gradually, indomitably, until I can learn to appreciate my 'perfect imperfections'.

Small Improvments

My heart rate is slowly levelling out with a little help from rehydration :) although it still jumps from 100-120 sitting to standing.

Ward round has come around again but today proved little success with no personal gains except perhaps a little weight. I am just hopping that if i continue on this band wagon for a little longer I may end up discharged by the end of next week or early the following week.

Dinner has proven to be the hardest meal of the day supplemented with lorazepam and the water isn't helping either I just need to pee all the time (in a not so theoretical way) and I panic that other patients will view me like patient K who's also always on the toilet (due to all the laxatives she ingests). Talking about laxative's I have a hidden stash of about 50 and haven't felt the need to use them at all! which is a huge positive step--I'll use them at home.

Rocking the French 'mani like a hospital pro!

Xxx Bec

Love drug

So today as per usual was filled with a whole lot of nothingness, but just to keep the conversation going  I have something called postural tachicardia which basically means when i stand up my heart rate has a significant increase from around 100-110 sitting to 120+ standing. 120 is a MET (medical emergency team) call 140 is a code blue which is cardiac arrest mines sitting at about 130! but because I'm asymptomatic the protocol is being sidestepped. It's fair to say I have done some permanent damage to my heart. And the only way seen to help this is drinking water so 100mls of water (i fear it so much i find it heavy and bloating) at every snack and meal time which makes up 3 cups!

On another topic I'm loving my lorazepam taking it before dinner nightly its so calming and puts me on such a high but not hyperactive high just... euphoric? and sedative takes away all ED thoughts :) meep

The deep end

I'm in for a long day and a hard road.

Overnight my NG tube got blocked meaning they had to change it this morning but upon my refusal they called the dietician which was better then the threatened security.

So, I met with the dietician to discuss an oral meal plan and instead of slowly introducing it I'm on the full meal plan D: and.I'm.panicking! A full meal plan looks like a juice at every meal and a gold snack at all three snack times cereal at breakfast a sandwich at lunch and a hot meal at dinner and water throughout the day (I really struggle with this).

I then had a disagreement with the nurse about who was going to pull out the tube she left me alone for 5mins and i pulled it out to which she was not impressed about saying i just like to be difficult cause trouble and that my 'not caring' is an issue.

But on a similar note hopefully this brings me one step closer to discharge next week although it still doesn't help my anxiety over how much I'm going to have to consume and how much hangs on me succeeding like the possibility of the NG tube having to be reinserted if I can't manage the full oral meal plan.

But for the time being I'm free from the NG tube and working towards regaining my freedom on the outside world.

Ward rounds dance around

I’m desperate to go home I feel like I have returned to my 5yr old self begging my parents to take me home instead of to buy me that toy or other miscellaneous thing but my pleas fall on deaf ears. I’ve been locked up and the key thrown away. I’m a prisoner to both this hospital and my illness. A game of cat and mouse and I’m cornered. What’s worse is I’m cornering my parents they must feel awful as is without me begging them in fits of tears to take me home!

I just had ‘ward round’ everybody’s favourite days of the week… not! But it went well (in my perception) I’m not allowed off wheelchair transfers or time off the ward until my obs stabilise (my heart rate jumps too much when I stand up) and I’m meeting with the dietician tomorrow to discuss introducing an oral meal plan which I am actually that stoked about! Its one step closer to home talking about home the shortest period I could be here is a week! Although the possibility of being longer is still there and I am aware of this. My parents weren’t too impressed when I discussed this with them they are desperate that this admission will turn things around but I just don’t want it as much as they do I want to want it but I just….can’t.

Hi!!! **waves**

Well I didn't get on yesterday due to a failed internet system or the day before that due to my lack of conversation but, I'm back today!....with little to say but venting, a little something is better then a little nothing, right?

Well today I'm feeling a little more upbeat which is characterised by my though pattern of for the first time since being here not wanting to pull out the Nasogastric tube and finally feeling like a willing patient also characterised by introducing an oral meal plan hopefully tomorrow. Now I'm not looking forward to this but it's a step in the right direction, a step towards home! and in the greater scheme of things I'm hoping to be on hot meals by Thursday and discharge myself later next week if they take me off the ITO, even if against medical advice again. I honestly believe I would cope better at home, I feel willing to some degrees to try at home.

 popping my head in :)

 r.i.p my baby boy                         

                      

What it's like to be anorexic

Well once again I find myself needing to express my inner most thoughts so I run to here! I'm hoping my rambles can be articulated in a fashionable manner but either way I won't lose any sleep over it.

I can tell my Anorexia is back in full swing when the tantalising aromas dance with my senses teasing them and worrying me about 'calories in the air'. Not to mention the 70ml an hour of liquid food is literally teasing my stomach and having me doubling over in pain.

You can tell I'm back in hospital when my biggest fear turns to what the nurses think carting me around on a wheelchair!

Being stuck in this environment I feel unable to move forwards (or backwards or any other direction) but it reminds me you don't have to be stick thin to be Anorexic you have to have the behaviours and mindset which next to my name have a huge black tick!

Well I'm off again :)

Finally

I just wrote a whole post to delete my nonsensical nonsense. What can I say? I've been readmitted to hospital for the 3rd time this year alone! Finally a bed became available at RMH last night a bed to which my family have been waiting for since December 31st a bed to which they are putting all there eggs into praying that it will save my life hoping something however small ticks over in my brain that I need this! That this will save my life!

I don't know when I'll post next I have access to internet but my brain feels like its about to burst I have so much to say but I just can't find the words! So I'll wait until i can compile something adequate enough to sate my needs (or wants)

Xxx from the otherside xxX

What a day!

Today feels like it could be the end of the world I feel like I've been plucked of the face of the earth and sent to some little marshen land. Except the thing is the world still spinning and I'm still on it and in actual fact the end of the world has not rained down upon us yet.

Let me explain I'm one of few words today
1. My dog of 6yrs passed away today due to heart failure (it feels like my heart may be failing me now)
2. I had my first dieticians appt and I'm petrified I gained heaps but she didn't alter my meal plan which I was sure she would decrease on account of my fatness
3. I'm going back to prison hospital tomorrow morning that one we've been waiting for since December 31st yeah they've finally got there act together so hopefully this will be an end to this circus parade but... I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO PRISON  HOSPITAL!

There's just too much going on for my brain to operate at a semi normal capacity so I love you and leave you

YOLO peeps

Sometimes I skip meals just to see if I've still got it in me....I do, but when I engage in this behaviour my anorexia sucks me in like a worm hole! But yolo (you only live once).

Bitter sweet???

Short and bitter sweet

Bitter more so then sweet actually, I don't think there is an ounce of sweetness.

My community order was revoked and I landed myself back in prison hospital on Monday after I pulled out the NG tube...again on Sunday night. Which led to one of my biggest weeks. Everything ended up so messy! I was on a general acute ward to which I absconded from on Thursday and walked home where the police were called and I asked permission from my parents to die (Obviously they didn't give permission) and then I almost ended up in a locked psych ward!--that doesn't deal with EDs-- But somehow we've done a 360 and I was sent home on yet another community treatment order on Thursday.

My brain is so frazzled life seems messy and unbearable at the moment. I am trying so hard to not screw up if not for the sake of my own sanity for that of my parents.

Hiatus...

Well it's been about 5 maybe 6? Weeks since I last posted... I landed myself on a general acute medical ward. Stuffed with IVs and NG tubes

It's been a few days now that I've been home I have so much to tell you guys that the words of the events seem to be lost to the inconceivable

I'm on a CTO (community based treatment order) and Nasogastric tube feeding is in place at home whilst we still await a bed in RMH.

What more can I say? Everything is so up in the air at the moment. And the slightest thing could land me straight back in hospital I.e.two consecutive weight drops or tampering/removal of the NG tube. My life seems messy and in that whole time I only gained 1kg which I suppose is better then some but worse then others but apparently I've grown 3 extra centimetres (please explain? Wtf) putting my BMI at exactly the same as my admission

Each moment of my day so far is taken up with feeding tube feeding times an my brain screaming at me to "rip the god dang thing out!" The moment is getting closer...

Update: I pulled the tube out tonight at 6.30 I just couldn't handle the combustion of pressure built up in my head any longer (plus I have the flu so my head feels pretty ick anyhow)