Descent..

10.2 kilos.

22.44 pounds.

Nothing else needs to be said. 

Fire exits

Well I saw my psychiatrist yesterday. Interesting session. My appointments pass in a haze of slight nodding and shaking of the head, averted eye contact, hands clenched to my eyes and hair flailing in my face whilst my legs bounce up and down whilst I sit perched on a chair ready to run incase of a smouldering inferno. My signature stance. 

He called me sick and I begged him not to associate me with that word so we agreed on rather then sick "feeling crap" it didn't really fit the profile but it was a better word then sick. I'm not an invalid and I'm not dying therefore I am not sick. He told me he advised my GP to no longer see me when she asked for his guidance as I don't take her advice ie.iron infusion, which isn't entirely true I did inform him I took her advice and made a trip to the ER (pointless nevertheless but I went against my better judgment). He told me she's too kind and he doesn't think she'll stop but he does think she needs to have a firmer grip on my treatment. We also changed my meds I'm now on a pretty half purple half turquoise capsual; fluoxetine, instead of mirtazapine as I stopped taking my night meds (long story short my head yells me my body won't metabolise it the same and I'll get fat) and my "anxiety is significantly elavated". It's a morning med and it's not proven to have any weight effects so at the moment I've deemed it safe. 

I'm still not sleeping a measly 4hrs sleep a night tops. It's probably a combination of things anxiety, lack of food, dehydration, and working myself too much (in accordance with everyone else's beliefs). I do amazing things in my greatest times of insomnia.

It was sprung on me today my dearest grandmother is coming down tomorrow until Monday. Cue panic. She's a big one for physique she's not petitley built and she loves her tucker and watching others eat. She finds it her duty to feed people and watch their weight and worst of all comment. I've lost over 15 kilos (33lbs) since I saw her in MARCH! I'm not overweight I was healthy I am healthy but to anyone who hasn't seen you for a while an amount like that is sure to be noticeable. Yup I'm in for a mouthful ugh. But I do dearly miss her she has the best intentions she's the kindest soul I love her to bits despite the fact she drives me nuts! When she rang tonight she told me how she misses having me at the house it filled me with such sadness I truly loved living there the fresh start, the school, the climate, my family, the space, the dogs but my school was mile's away, I didn't have any friends near by, I lived with elderly people, I didn't have the right supports and I missed my parents even though they hate me (and that is no exaggeration of the truth). I suppose it just wasn't the right time I wasn't strong enough. Maybe I'm destined for this shitty soul sucking city?

I saw my case manager/psychologist today and in CAT therapy we draw a diagram of where patterns play into one another the centre is "Eating Disorder" she crossed it out and remarked "How does that make you feel to not have an eating disorder? I think it's BPD with a tendency to not eat" I was like "What! Come again?" I nodded and said "It's fine if that's what it is that's what it is" I shut down after that and she could feel the tension in the room thank god it turned out to be the end of the session although I could tell she wanted to delve deeper. She generally forgets to organise next week's appt so I do the honours of reminding her. I didn't today. She turned to me and said "Sit. I'm a goldfish I forget this every week! How's next Friday?" I smiled nervously and told her it was fine so she booked it and as I was about to run for the nearest emergency exit she said "Why do I feel like your not going to come back? Maybe I pushed you too hard today? If you don't agree with that we can change it, it was just a thought you know me I have a lot of thoughts" ha yeah right like that I just choose not to eat like it's fun and a barrel of laughs to feel like your physically and emotionally dying everyday and to see the damage your doing to everyone else and how the notion of living fills you with more fear then the idea of dying. 

Time for some good (perhaps?) news again? I have a coffee date next Saturday. I say date as date because I don't know what it is, Coffee? Two people rekindling after 8 years of no contact sheesh I haven't spoken to him since I was 12! I'm nearly 20! Or a...date? I did like him but I was a little kid back then he still makes my heart skip a beat but we've grown up we've grown into young adults we have new hobbies friends and lives! Do I still like him? We know nothing about each other now to be honest it'll be like to strangers meeting for the first time. I guess time will tell. I'm still shocked he wants to catch up with me. ME!!!

My little red balloon

Each day I'm out of hospital is a blessing. Each day I don't die I can't help but think what will tomorrow, the next week, month year look like. Will I get better? Or, worse?

I can't remember what I said in my last post it feels like an eternity ago since I wrote. Perhaps that's because the last entry was an accumulation of about 4days worth of effort to write something substantial. 

Tomorrow is yet another 4weeks past since my last appt with the psychiatrist it makes me shudder just to think of it. My energy is drained I can't help but lose all sense of empathy. I hope he's as exhausted as I am and just doesn't say anything that'll hit a nerve because I don't have the patience I'm paying the money you ask the questions and I'll try to summon the energy to respond more then a head gesture. 10am bright and early in the prime of my day haha that's I'm funny.

I'm not sleeping. For the past two weeks I have anywhere between 0-4 hrs sleep. And even that's not restful. It takes forever to drift off and then I'm restless and constantly waking up and checking the time that has lapsed. I've had 1 solid(ish) nights sleep of 6hrs! Shock horror. And then yesterday I slept 4hrs and went back to bed mid morning for another two. I had my first REAL hangover. 

So I suppose that calls for some explaining? I had a friend who turns 21 on Wednesday she invited a group of our old school friends round to her joint on Saturday night for a bbq drinks and board/card games. Out of a moment of pure madness I accepted the invite only later to regret it I couldn't pull out it was her 21st! And I've missed so many milestone birthdays in the past 2 years. Plus I'd need a pretty darned good excuse to skip it seeing as she lives 3 doors down. I bought 4bottles of sugar free vodka cruisers-lolly water (I love how they are 'sugar free' and yet still have far too many calories), a strongbow apple cider and two Canadian clubs mixed with coke- more Canadian club then coke.  The unplanned for 3 were needed the young children (2yrs younger then me lol) were talking about eating disorders and how fat they were and blergh. No, just no. I was very tipsy and if I leant over my chair very nearly went ass over head but it was a fun night I enjoyed it and stumbled home at 1.30am. Once home I rode 10k and wrapped presents and wrote cards for the proceedings day.

I awoke yesterday and the world was spinning I felt like puking. Which probably wasn't helped by the fact I only ate a lettuce leaf and a sausage Saturday. But I had to get up and face the day because it was Father's Day (one of the biggest days of the years supermarkets cash in on those wanting to splurge affection-Apple on a stick. Makes me sick. Makes my heart beat 2-46). And my little brothers 7th birthday the hex of an Anorexic in flight. 

September for me is the worst month for celebrations apart from Christmas which involves my sisters birthday, Christmas Day, the aftermath and New Years (and when I was at school end of year breakup). September similarly involves Father's Day, my brothers birthday, my nieces birthday, my brother in laws birthday, my birthday afl grand final and 3 days after my birthday putting us just into October is my older sisters birthday and about a week or two after that is the show. September 1st marks the decent into total chaos!

Needless to say I was extremely bloated yesterday. And my little balloon has deflated a teeny bit but it's still full of too much hot air. Ugh.

Oh and my grandmother is also possibly coming down for 3-5days next week. I wish no ill upon her but I wish something happened to prevent her coming or at least not for as long. Just can't deal! Need my space and no prying eyes thank you. 

>>>WARNING DO NOT ENTER RESCUE MODE<<<.

Long days turn into endless nights. Restless sleep or exhausting fatigue. 

The day's break with a chalk sky smeared with pastels pinks and purples that turn to blue. The days are monotonous. 

You follow the same routine and try to further the boundaries you threaten to break. You push your body as your mind pushes you. 

You feel nothing and yet you feel everything. 

The only thing that ties you to this world is the cold that nips at your bones the icy air that fills and burns your lungs all in the same breath and the heaviness of your eyes fighting for rest.

Silver freckles cut through the night. And leave your anxiety worse then day break. 

All the 'what could of been' play on and the 'what ifs' play out. 

It's hard to put my life into words at the moment. This coherent profoundly articulate being has been reduced to nothingness. My mind does not rest. I feel trapped in my own head. Like I'm swimming against the swell. I feel like there is nothing of importance to contribute my voice evidently falters as I retreat into my bird cage subdued by poison ivy. Inside my body the quietness is nonexistent the bellowing drill sergeants voice wraps around me like a python. It does not bite. It slowly suffocates. But on the outiside in this world I feel empty, I feel hollow, I feel a dull ache a yearning perhaps? I feel like I'm not really a person anymore more an object. 

The waves lick at the side of your boat as you mount them and ride over them into the horizon. You tentatively ignore its whispers. You ignore the people in your life. But more importantly you ignore your inner self. The same self that is not contaminated by the bacteria that in a laboratory grows with the warmth and humidity. You cannot starve the wild fire of oxygen so you wait patiently, eagerly for it to burn out and lose its passion and zeal it could take days or in this case years. 

I submissively took myself to the ER against my better judgment Thursday last week. I'm having a crushing sensation in my chest and I had a sever bout of vision loss. I arranged an appt with my GP expecting her to wave me off dehydration, malnutrition and too much exercise she'd say. She did not. She ordered an urgent blood test and ecg. She turned to me with fear trembling in her voice as she lay the facts on the table like she were to lay a hand of cards in a game of poker. "Your body is not coping. The vision loss is concerning. The 'chest heaviness' is gravely worrying. You are at serious risk of kidney failure and even cardiac arrest". The words reverberated in my head like a gong had been struck only to have the sound dissipate moments later. 

I had the blood test and ecg. The pathologist struggled to retrieve blood and then attached electrodes on my bare skin the weight of this voluptuous woman was somewhat comforting like a warm hug as she attached the wires that would conclude my heart still beats I am alive. And with the results in a mere 2hrs later I was urged to 'take control' before it had to be taken from me. I was suffering 'dangerous' iron deficiency which needed an infusion, postural drop in bp, tachycardia raised upon standing, a borderline high protein level (indicating dehydration), and my kidneys were starting to struggle I was told I had stage 2 kidney disease (I find it interesting I was in this exact boat with my kidneys toward the end of September last year). Which all in all meant absolutely nothing to me except if I don't do something now in the coming weeks I may not have a choice at least if I decide I can choose treatment and admission length. So 1lt of fluid later the dr looked at my results dismissed them and discharged me whilst still tachy noting nothing else except the slightly high protein level. Was my GP overreacting? 

Howevere therefore determining dehydration not resolved due to the lack of urgency or care so I have little faith anything else has been resolved. But I am consoled by the fact the lovely GP can not write me off as neglectful and take my rights away. I worked with her. Well enough to hopefully have the reigns relaxed over the coming weeks. But if my digits do not level out my chances of feeling the wind in my face decline. Perhaps I must conceal the truth. What's the point when it's written on my face. More or less my bp, hr and bloods that are in constant check. I saw her again on Tuesday and she was still concerned saying she needed to consult with my psychiatrist as he had told her not to go into 'rescue mode' which she told me she feels she must. I rang her yesterday because my chest pain is increasing she told me to go to ER I refused. If I die at least it'll be over, no more chest pain no more lies no more perfection no more regiment no more sound. I don't see my gp again until September 22nd she's going away and she's fully booked until then nd there really is not much point she can't talk to me you can lead a camel to water but you cannot make it drink. We are both exhausted me with her trying to help and her with me for being so irrational and stubborn. See the psych on Tuesday that'll be a barrel of laughs Im sure. 

After the run in with the hospital my weight soared 1.4kilos. The next morning I was only 600g up but I was distraught. Inconsolable. Angry. Determined. Saturday morning I awoke and jumped on my scales enthusiastically like the way you used to jump on your parents Christmas morning anticipating what was to come. And I broke even. Quicker then I had expected I was banking on Monday, Tuesday if I were really pushing my luck. But I suppose miracles do happen perhaps there is a god up there that hears our prayers and heals our heartache. My weight has come to a trickle since Sunday losing only 600g. Since Tuesday I have lost 200g! It's deflating bit I must remind myself something is better then nothing! Plus take a step back and look at the bugger picture 9.1kilos  (20.02lb) and 3.0 off my bmi in a month and 4days is an achievement not many would be strong enough to achieve. I am astounded and yet I can't connect the dots my pens has run out of ink...

Plus my little feat is my little sister commented on Saturday I had "lost a lot of weight" she was angry so I told her I had gained 1kilo she retorted "where not your stomach you used to have a stomach like me and now, there's nothing" I was actually offended at her reaction I was angry she had notived and I was sad I couldn't see one change except the behaviours in which I engage.