The day's break with a chalk sky smeared with pastels pinks and purples that turn to blue. The days are monotonous.
You follow the same routine and try to further the boundaries you threaten to break. You push your body as your mind pushes you.
You feel nothing and yet you feel everything.
The only thing that ties you to this world is the cold that nips at your bones the icy air that fills and burns your lungs all in the same breath and the heaviness of your eyes fighting for rest.
Silver freckles cut through the night. And leave your anxiety worse then day break.
All the 'what could of been' play on and the 'what ifs' play out.
It's hard to put my life into words at the moment. This coherent profoundly articulate being has been reduced to nothingness. My mind does not rest. I feel trapped in my own head. Like I'm swimming against the swell. I feel like there is nothing of importance to contribute my voice evidently falters as I retreat into my bird cage subdued by poison ivy. Inside my body the quietness is nonexistent the bellowing drill sergeants voice wraps around me like a python. It does not bite. It slowly suffocates. But on the outiside in this world I feel empty, I feel hollow, I feel a dull ache a yearning perhaps? I feel like I'm not really a person anymore more an object.
The waves lick at the side of your boat as you mount them and ride over them into the horizon. You tentatively ignore its whispers. You ignore the people in your life. But more importantly you ignore your inner self. The same self that is not contaminated by the bacteria that in a laboratory grows with the warmth and humidity. You cannot starve the wild fire of oxygen so you wait patiently, eagerly for it to burn out and lose its passion and zeal it could take days or in this case years.
I submissively took myself to the ER against my better judgment Thursday last week. I'm having a crushing sensation in my chest and I had a sever bout of vision loss. I arranged an appt with my GP expecting her to wave me off dehydration, malnutrition and too much exercise she'd say. She did not. She ordered an urgent blood test and ecg. She turned to me with fear trembling in her voice as she lay the facts on the table like she were to lay a hand of cards in a game of poker. "Your body is not coping. The vision loss is concerning. The 'chest heaviness' is gravely worrying. You are at serious risk of kidney failure and even cardiac arrest". The words reverberated in my head like a gong had been struck only to have the sound dissipate moments later.
I had the blood test and ecg. The pathologist struggled to retrieve blood and then attached electrodes on my bare skin the weight of this voluptuous woman was somewhat comforting like a warm hug as she attached the wires that would conclude my heart still beats I am alive. And with the results in a mere 2hrs later I was urged to 'take control' before it had to be taken from me. I was suffering 'dangerous' iron deficiency which needed an infusion, postural drop in bp, tachycardia raised upon standing, a borderline high protein level (indicating dehydration), and my kidneys were starting to struggle I was told I had stage 2 kidney disease (I find it interesting I was in this exact boat with my kidneys toward the end of September last year). Which all in all meant absolutely nothing to me except if I don't do something now in the coming weeks I may not have a choice at least if I decide I can choose treatment and admission length. So 1lt of fluid later the dr looked at my results dismissed them and discharged me whilst still tachy noting nothing else except the slightly high protein level. Was my GP overreacting?
Howevere therefore determining dehydration not resolved due to the lack of urgency or care so I have little faith anything else has been resolved. But I am consoled by the fact the lovely GP can not write me off as neglectful and take my rights away. I worked with her. Well enough to hopefully have the reigns relaxed over the coming weeks. But if my digits do not level out my chances of feeling the wind in my face decline. Perhaps I must conceal the truth. What's the point when it's written on my face. More or less my bp, hr and bloods that are in constant check. I saw her again on Tuesday and she was still concerned saying she needed to consult with my psychiatrist as he had told her not to go into 'rescue mode' which she told me she feels she must. I rang her yesterday because my chest pain is increasing she told me to go to ER I refused. If I die at least it'll be over, no more chest pain no more lies no more perfection no more regiment no more sound. I don't see my gp again until September 22nd she's going away and she's fully booked until then nd there really is not much point she can't talk to me you can lead a camel to water but you cannot make it drink. We are both exhausted me with her trying to help and her with me for being so irrational and stubborn. See the psych on Tuesday that'll be a barrel of laughs Im sure.
After the run in with the hospital my weight soared 1.4kilos. The next morning I was only 600g up but I was distraught. Inconsolable. Angry. Determined. Saturday morning I awoke and jumped on my scales enthusiastically like the way you used to jump on your parents Christmas morning anticipating what was to come. And I broke even. Quicker then I had expected I was banking on Monday, Tuesday if I were really pushing my luck. But I suppose miracles do happen perhaps there is a god up there that hears our prayers and heals our heartache. My weight has come to a trickle since Sunday losing only 600g. Since Tuesday I have lost 200g! It's deflating bit I must remind myself something is better then nothing! Plus take a step back and look at the bugger picture 9.1kilos (20.02lb) and 3.0 off my bmi in a month and 4days is an achievement not many would be strong enough to achieve. I am astounded and yet I can't connect the dots my pens has run out of ink...
Plus my little feat is my little sister commented on Saturday I had "lost a lot of weight" she was angry so I told her I had gained 1kilo she retorted "where not your stomach you used to have a stomach like me and now, there's nothing" I was actually offended at her reaction I was angry she had notived and I was sad I couldn't see one change except the behaviours in which I engage.
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