10 weeks feels like 10 years

I'm home.... again. I was discharged on a CTO today except the CTO isn't in place as there are no conditions as of yet to when a readmission would be necessary. I'll take a stab in the dark and say when my weight/bmi reaches x or if i stop eating/drinking. Thats just me going on the basis of other CTO's.

I'm looking at transferring my care to Melbourne they have better facilities and if i have to be readmitted that's where I'd like to go if I'm really going to give this recovery shit a go but in accordance with the last 3 years i don't think ill be trying 'recovery' any time soon.

I have a house inspection tomorrow and if all goes well i could have my own place in the next 2-3weeks

Honestly what more can i say the last 10 weeks has felt like 10 years it felt like i was living in a nightmare with endless nasogastric tubes and meaningless meetings countless cries over food just being left in my room to tempt me (and ultimately fail)

I am however looking to the future enrolling in my bachelor of nursing for 2014 nurse bec here I come ;) I've spent long enough in hospitals now to know how they work its my turn to be on the other side of the fence.

Drunken circles

It's been a month and I've finally been discharged. I don't know how as I pulled out the nasogastric tube and am now refusing all oral intake but I'm home. To do our drunken circle all over again. I see no clear way out it's just a dark dark place of not eating and when I do exercising and throwing up a habit I refuse to get back into. So, here we go again.

Isn't it funny how as a child we get threatened with "go without" regarding dinner but as we grow up and get older it becomes a sin to not eat and ends in a full blown brawl. My little observation for the day as I out right refused dinner and was told "this is a condition of you coming home" does it look like I'm phased?

This place is dope ;D

So I think an update for swanno is in order. I've had my ups and downs mostly ups but hey who doesn't? I pulled the tube out Sunday nigh met with m sick psychiatrist J who made me have the tube out back in yesterday to almost have me pull it out again tonight. The nurses have been pushing my buttons I was supposed to get overnight leave tonight but they screwed me over so I'm stuck here. I'm hoping to get discharged tomorrow as I accordance with the plan.

I smoked my first bit of dope tonight in hospital (we smuggled it in) and man I don't wanna not smoke it! I've taken to smoking cigarettes in here what's the saying coffee and cigarettes the diet of a skinny girl well...almost skinny girl

the end

I'm on over night leave

I'm running away tomorrow

I'm sectioned

I have a nasogastric tube

I'm in an acute psych ward

But not chronically ill enough to be sent to our SPECIALIST unit

I'm so triggered by everyone around me

And I'm fat 

I'm fucked

I don't care

This is it, this is the end

Update from swanno

Just a quick update whilst I have my phone Monday I ran away from the medical ward after they old me they were moving me to the psych ward. I wasn't impressed. So I packed my things an took off. My parents bought me back. So I now sit here in the psych ward (with my phone being taken off me) sectioned an with an NGT. However I had a meeting with P my psychiatrist this morning who said if I don't tamper with the tube then I can have weekend leave and a discharge early next week! So freaking excited I think this will be my shortest hospital stay at 2.5 weeks.

Got weighed this morning 70.7kg! I am so fucking fat! Wait until I get out watch it melt away

glutton for failure

Food, food, food. You'd think I'd learn. Apparently not. 1,495calories later. Coffee, low fat ice cream, diet jelly, iced coffee, big mac burger, lrg chips, cheeseburger, soup. Disastrous. I'm so full I keep burping and puking in my mouth. Disgusting! I escaped to macca's at lunch time today I was starving as I tend to do so lately but now I just feel sick mentally and physically. I'm a pig, no thats and insult to the poor animal. I'm a glutton for failure.

Well I should hopefully be moving tomorrow where all temptation is taken away. I can start from scratch. Every minute every time I say 'no thankyou' every day is a new beginning. I can do this! I have to do this. I've done it before. I'm too fat for anything else.

I'm a failure no matter which way I swing I can never eat or not eat enough without guilt piling up that I could of done better even when not a morsel enters my body for say...8 days.

Hospital life is quite boring I sleep through the majority of the day waking when people wish to take my blood pressure or to bother me with food. I vow that tomorrow will be a better day as I do every day.

My neighbour left today after being told there was 'no medical reason to keep (him)' well now I have a new neighbour his name too is graham, thing is...its an old friends step dad I didn't account on that one! We did that awkward look at each other then I pulled my curtain around. I can barely deal with the nurses let alone people I know...used to know.

One big nothing

I just heard the guy across from me be told ‘there’s no medical reason for (him) to still be in hospital.’ HOW does he get told there’s nothing ‘medically wrong’ with him and he can go home and yet I’m stuck in this stupid hospital bed? Wasting space, time and resources and to make it worse he’s complaining about going home! Try being me sunshine then complain!

I’m back to not eating it feels so natural I don’t know what possessed me the other night to go on such an eating rampage, I won’t be doing that one again. I was just SO hungry. I’m currently sitting at day two. Did I mention that the dietician came in and said I either drink or get hooked back up to the drip, M sometimes I hate you (She’s actually a really lovely dietician very forthcoming) She actually made sure the hospital had fruche yoghurts for me! (–That’s all I ate last time I was here.)

The dr just came in and also said I was dry and getting dehydrated again and if I don’t start drinking then tomorrow they will hook me back up to the drip gaah this is all black mail.

  

Sorry this is such an empty post my days are full of one big nothing