Perfect imperfections

I hate the craving of food, the longing of food, the wait for each meal time to come around again. That's all my day revolves around! The next meal time, the next snack, what I'm going to eat next?

I hate looking forward to it! But most of all I'm looking forward to it all being over, to go home and eat my pumpkin soup all by my lonesome again. I'm looking forward to being out of this prison hospital without intent to return, 

I'm looking forward to my comfort in my own skin, in losing weight gradually, indomitably, until I can learn to appreciate my 'perfect imperfections'.

Small Improvments

My heart rate is slowly levelling out with a little help from rehydration :) although it still jumps from 100-120 sitting to standing.

Ward round has come around again but today proved little success with no personal gains except perhaps a little weight. I am just hopping that if i continue on this band wagon for a little longer I may end up discharged by the end of next week or early the following week.

Dinner has proven to be the hardest meal of the day supplemented with lorazepam and the water isn't helping either I just need to pee all the time (in a not so theoretical way) and I panic that other patients will view me like patient K who's also always on the toilet (due to all the laxatives she ingests). Talking about laxative's I have a hidden stash of about 50 and haven't felt the need to use them at all! which is a huge positive step--I'll use them at home.

Rocking the French 'mani like a hospital pro!

Xxx Bec

Love drug

So today as per usual was filled with a whole lot of nothingness, but just to keep the conversation going  I have something called postural tachicardia which basically means when i stand up my heart rate has a significant increase from around 100-110 sitting to 120+ standing. 120 is a MET (medical emergency team) call 140 is a code blue which is cardiac arrest mines sitting at about 130! but because I'm asymptomatic the protocol is being sidestepped. It's fair to say I have done some permanent damage to my heart. And the only way seen to help this is drinking water so 100mls of water (i fear it so much i find it heavy and bloating) at every snack and meal time which makes up 3 cups!

On another topic I'm loving my lorazepam taking it before dinner nightly its so calming and puts me on such a high but not hyperactive high just... euphoric? and sedative takes away all ED thoughts :) meep

The deep end

I'm in for a long day and a hard road.

Overnight my NG tube got blocked meaning they had to change it this morning but upon my refusal they called the dietician which was better then the threatened security.

So, I met with the dietician to discuss an oral meal plan and instead of slowly introducing it I'm on the full meal plan D: and.I'm.panicking! A full meal plan looks like a juice at every meal and a gold snack at all three snack times cereal at breakfast a sandwich at lunch and a hot meal at dinner and water throughout the day (I really struggle with this).

I then had a disagreement with the nurse about who was going to pull out the tube she left me alone for 5mins and i pulled it out to which she was not impressed about saying i just like to be difficult cause trouble and that my 'not caring' is an issue.

But on a similar note hopefully this brings me one step closer to discharge next week although it still doesn't help my anxiety over how much I'm going to have to consume and how much hangs on me succeeding like the possibility of the NG tube having to be reinserted if I can't manage the full oral meal plan.

But for the time being I'm free from the NG tube and working towards regaining my freedom on the outside world.

Ward rounds dance around

I’m desperate to go home I feel like I have returned to my 5yr old self begging my parents to take me home instead of to buy me that toy or other miscellaneous thing but my pleas fall on deaf ears. I’ve been locked up and the key thrown away. I’m a prisoner to both this hospital and my illness. A game of cat and mouse and I’m cornered. What’s worse is I’m cornering my parents they must feel awful as is without me begging them in fits of tears to take me home!

I just had ‘ward round’ everybody’s favourite days of the week… not! But it went well (in my perception) I’m not allowed off wheelchair transfers or time off the ward until my obs stabilise (my heart rate jumps too much when I stand up) and I’m meeting with the dietician tomorrow to discuss introducing an oral meal plan which I am actually that stoked about! Its one step closer to home talking about home the shortest period I could be here is a week! Although the possibility of being longer is still there and I am aware of this. My parents weren’t too impressed when I discussed this with them they are desperate that this admission will turn things around but I just don’t want it as much as they do I want to want it but I just….can’t.

Hi!!! **waves**

Well I didn't get on yesterday due to a failed internet system or the day before that due to my lack of conversation but, I'm back today!....with little to say but venting, a little something is better then a little nothing, right?

Well today I'm feeling a little more upbeat which is characterised by my though pattern of for the first time since being here not wanting to pull out the Nasogastric tube and finally feeling like a willing patient also characterised by introducing an oral meal plan hopefully tomorrow. Now I'm not looking forward to this but it's a step in the right direction, a step towards home! and in the greater scheme of things I'm hoping to be on hot meals by Thursday and discharge myself later next week if they take me off the ITO, even if against medical advice again. I honestly believe I would cope better at home, I feel willing to some degrees to try at home.

 popping my head in :)

 r.i.p my baby boy                         

                      

What it's like to be anorexic

Well once again I find myself needing to express my inner most thoughts so I run to here! I'm hoping my rambles can be articulated in a fashionable manner but either way I won't lose any sleep over it.

I can tell my Anorexia is back in full swing when the tantalising aromas dance with my senses teasing them and worrying me about 'calories in the air'. Not to mention the 70ml an hour of liquid food is literally teasing my stomach and having me doubling over in pain.

You can tell I'm back in hospital when my biggest fear turns to what the nurses think carting me around on a wheelchair!

Being stuck in this environment I feel unable to move forwards (or backwards or any other direction) but it reminds me you don't have to be stick thin to be Anorexic you have to have the behaviours and mindset which next to my name have a huge black tick!

Well I'm off again :)