"It is a man's mind not his enemy or foe that leads him to evil ways" -Buddah

I'm 6.3kg (13.86lb) down.

2.0 off my bmi.

716 calories in.

And countless out.

I'm purging.

I'm abusing laxatives.

I'm restricting.

I'm using diet pills with DNP.

I'm exercising.

I'm lying.

And according to my doctor, dying is a very real prospect for me at the moment. My kidneys could pack up at any minute.

My vitals are dropping.

My bp is low.

My hr is high.

And my iron is dangerously low.

She wants me admitted to hospital but she won't force me it's a bandaid fix and it's traumatising. And I couldn't agree more.

She wants me to make healthy decisions for where my life is headed.

But I can't.

I'm just not rational anymore.

I don't know where to begin.

Or, even if I want to!

She's exhausted.

And I'm drained.

I'm trying to get some semblance of a life.

I'm looking for a job.

I enrolled in school.

And I'm house hunting.

It's conflicting and, I'm confused.

I don't know what I want or where I'm headed.

Tomorrow is the fun appt with the gastroenterologist.

Waste of money as my reflux is now coupled with intentional purging (thanks for triggering my old demons).

To my family I'm getting it together.

To the professionals I'm falling apart.

And to me? I'm going through the motions feeling nothing and doing/saying what society deems socially acceptable.

I feel like a zombie.

I feel possessed.

"It is a man's mind not his enemy or foe that leads him to evil ways" -Buddah