The day in the life of Anorexic me...

Take off your necklace.

Now your rings.

Glasses.

Bracelets.

Hair ties.

And fitbit.

Pull your t-shirt over your head.

And your pants below your knees.

Hold your breath. 

Step on the scales.

Off.

And on again.

Grab your phone.

Sit in front of the heater.

Naked.

Taking in and scrutinising every inch of your body.

Document the number.

And do the math.

BMI.

And 'total loss'.

Kilos.

And pounds.

Stand up.

Wrap your hand around your wrist.

Your upper arm.

Your thigh.

Suck in.

Let it all 'hang loose'

And in again.

Look in the mirror. 

What do you see?

I see fat.

I see bones.

Run your fingers across your ribs.

Hip bones.

And collar bone.

Like ivory keys on a piano.

Delicate and soft not to bruise.

I see a self worth based on numbers going up 

And plummeting down again.

I see control.

I see self loathing.

And self love.

I see soul crushing anxiety

And heart penetrating elation.

Breathe life into a lifeless body.

Give me purpose. 

And a goal. 

Give me an A* for perfection.

Give me an A* for the best listening skills.

Give me an A* for being the best student.

Give me an A* for Anorexia.

The numbers are down again at first 100g. 

Then a further 200g. 

And now another 100g. 

400g today. 

Total loss of 7.7kg. 

16.94lb.

2.4 off my BMI. 

In less then a month.

1kg since Monday. 

2.2lb.

I would say this is a true measure of success. 

The numbers hold the strings to my self worth.

A twang either way could send me shooting high.

Or crumbling low.

I've induced 83calories today.

And it's 6.00pm.

489calories planned for the remainder of the day.

Not to mention the ruminated purging to follow.

Tonight not much will flow. 

Pasta my foe! 

Carbs a pain in the ass to the rid the body mind and soul.

The hot water bellowing over me.

Steam clouding around my feet. 

Blood pressure dropping.

And heart rate rising. 

Blood pooling in your ears.

Did anyone hear me?

Is tonight the night I'll be caught with two fingers thrust deep down my throat?

Bend down to refit the drain.

The A* plumber you would make!

To hide the demon and stuff them deep down inside those pipes.

My only prayers for tonight?

Please drain don't block!

Wait until 8pm.

Then slide out to your room.

Untuck the sheets and pop the pills.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5

And 6

Then add another pink capsular about 4cm long.

Break it in half.

Now grab the prescribed pills.

The anti depressants.

The mood stabilisers. 

And the sleeping aid.

Swallow the tiny pink pill the size of a peppercorn.

No water of course!

And dissolve the other one on your tongue.

Let it fizzle as you grab your last white capsual.

And slip back inside.

Smile and make small talk something about "ugh it's so cold out there" 

Or "I need to fill another script"

Your decoy to swallow your ever needed laxatives and diet pills with a mouthful of juice.

9pm comes around and you fall into a restless sleep.

Dreaming of food.

Of toothpaste.

Perhaps it is more alikened to that of a nightmare.

Tossing and turning.

Stomach churning.

Mind racing.

I should be moving. 

Burning more calories.

Not trying to gain some ever needed shut eye.

To reduce the exhaustion 

And fatigue.

Did I really just do that? 

Wake in the morning sweat pooling.

Blankets on the ground.

Relief it was just a concoction of the mind.

Run your hand along your stomach taking in the size of your body.

Did it shrink overnight?

Or did it grow!

Relieve yourself in the toilet 

Flush.

Now to 'eat' your breakfast. 

When secretly you leave a bread crumb trail. 

Like Hansel and Gretal I've been lead down the windy path of Anorexia to the candy castle of numbers. 

And let the ritual of weighing, exercising, counting and distracting appointments begin.

Let lies lubricate your tongue.

And glassy eyes conceal the truth.

Pray to God that they won't lock you away and throw the key away today.