So today has been a day from hell, its been a nightmare. I'm ready for it all to be over with, me trying to be brave and put on a face honestly you'd think I'd learn the first...second...third (you get the point) time. But no I'm still falling into old habits of deceit.
I had a burst of energy where I thought 'hey I can do this I can eat like a normal person I can be something more then Anorexia' well... one could only assume how well that paned out. It was a MESS! I ate...and I didn't stop, I just kept going shovelling food into my mouth like I was stealing something. I don't even want to count the calories I don't even want to list it but for my own disgrace I will; Apple juice, coffee, chai tea, choc/caramel sundae, chicken parmi, brussel sprouts, beans, soup and potato bake... I felt it was the least I deserved WHAT A FAT DISGUSTING STUPID GLUTTONOUS PIG I AM, I would almost be willing to blame it on possession of the body but who am I kidding I don't even believe in superstition.
My psychiatrist wants to move me to the psych ward tomorrow. Only if I'm drinking. Well I think I proved that I could do that tonight. I'm dreading the psych ward its so crazy it makes me feel loony! Maybe I am?! All I have to do is drink! No food well I can do that I'm the best at no food I just lasted 8 days to ruin it tonight hytsifboidcioty, so the fast begins from scratch again tomorrow. I am riddled with guilt and vow to start again. How many days can I last this time? It's a never ending circle like being stuck on a carousel...drunk...unable to get off. I'm a bit distressed about the move although I don't believe I belong on a medical ward I don't feel I belong anywhere to be quite frank. Maybe it's time for a premature discharge?
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