A car with no breaks, free falling with no parachute, dabbling but not swimming

I've started school. 

It's well underway. 

I have two assignments due in two weeks. 

One is half done. 

The other barely even looked at.

Our internets stopped working. 

So, I have to throw in the towel tonight. 

Damn bugger damn. 

I'm loving it. 

My anorexia not so. 

I have to keep my energy levels up so I can concentrate. 

This week though I plan on dropping back to one fruit juice and one meal. 

I miss my anorexia. 

I still dabble but I don't swim in it. 

At the moment. 

I feel out of control. 

Like I'm driving a car.

With no breaks. 

Free falling.

Without a parachute.

I had a dr appt today. 

Apparently I should be taking vitamin D. 

I had to book a hep b vaccine. 

Monday. 

For school go figure. 

Everythings for school now days.

I'm so lucky to live in this country. 

But man, I hate vaccines. 

Give me a blood test any day. 

I am now linked in with the hospital up here. 

They are going to discuss my case over the weekend.

And ring me on Monday to arrange an appt. 

I spoke to my psych back home. 

Told her my parents didn't want me hence why I'm staying here. 

Told her I didn't want to stay here.

She said we'd talk Tuesday. 

She told me to think about it. 

Seems wherever I go I don't want to be. 

I feel like a failure. 

Like a let down. 

Like I'm living my dads dream. 

I want to give it until April though.

Lord give me the answers. Please?

Can't have my cake and eat it too

11weeks on Tuesday I have been out of hospital. 11 weeks I should have a party! Except it's about to be tainted. I should never of expected more of myself. I'm a disappointment.
A let down.
A disgrace.
A failure.

Gran made cauliflower soup last night for dinner it was an in your face reminder of the 5weeks I went without eating. I had pumpkin soup on my birthday I blew out the candles on my cake and you know what I wished for? I wished to die to end it all. Clearly wishes don't come true. I didn't eat the cake maybe that was the problem?

One day later I was admitted to hospital dehydrated hypoglycaemic a postural drop in bp and an increased hr and with kidney failure. Happy birthday! I was greeted with an IV and a NG tube. And that was the start to this period of 'recovery'.

I wanted to go to church this morning but I thought I was too fat and I knew staying holed up in my room is the best way to greet people with a relapse. Like so many times before I prayed. I prayed for my imminent death. One day my prayers have to be answered. Right?

All last night I was haunted by
The memories
The fights
The tears
The times I passed out
The hospital admissions
The op appt's
The Insertion of NG tubes and IVs
Time and time again.

Well I start school this week for real 3 days= 3 days of fasting or near abouts.

I told my dad last night I wanted to come home. He said we'd talk tomorrow. We did. He told me he doesn't want me coming home there's apparently nothing for me there except the same old cycle. I cried. He said we'd talk again Tuesday after I've finished school and him work. NO BODY FKN GETS IT I DONT WANT TO BE HERE I WANT TO GO HOME AND RELAPSE I WANT TO DIE AT HOME!

Ps. My grandparents hid the sales after 3.5 weeks >:<

There's no place like home

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home" - Dorothy, The Wizard Of Oz

Too bad I can't tap my ruby shoes three times and say those magical words and I would be home sweet home. 

I'm finding it increasingly difficult being here. Coping. I'm resorting to seroquel to dull the booming voice in my head. But let's face it I can't live off seroquel for the rest of my life when life gets tough.

I just want to be home in my bed in my hometown surrounded by my family and friends and my dog not my uncles'. I don't want to have to keep pretending I don't want to have to keep eating. 

I'm about to fall AGAIN I can always feel these moments. I can feel a relapse sneaking up on me like a train, at first you don't notice it until it's right on top of you and you can't move. That's what it feels like. Suffocating. I'm about to let the whole world down. But if I stop eating maybe my gran will send me home?

'Awful mean bad dr' X2 lesson learnt

So today was like my third (?) appointment with said 'awful mean bad dr' I remember my first appointment with him little over a year ago where he straight up told me "You don't look anorexic" Yep he went there.

Well today I saw him again to my delight he didn't recognise me. I arrived and took up a pew in the far left hand corner of the room where i had full sight of the surgery, at 10.45 after buying a lemon for lunch (Well to go in lunch; a curry) and getting my scripts filled. 15 minutes to kill. I looked around the room aimlessly straining my eyes trying to read the tiny pamphlets taped to the wall to no avail. My anxiety was growing as every minute passed that he was late... he ended up being 30 minutes late!

He called my name and i followed him down the narrow and short passageway to the first room on the left. I sat down. He sat down. "How can i help you" "I need a referral to a psychologist please" "Whats the problem" "I *breath deep* have anorexia" "Do you throw up after you eat?" "No" "Well you don't have anorexia then do you" "Umm yes I do your talking about bulimia" "Well what is it you do then?" "I'm a restrictor" "A what?" "I limit my food intake" "Ok"

So after that dialogue he proceeded to dial someones number who I'm not sure someone he knew that might know a specialist. No answer. Just my luck. "Come back at two please" damn bugger damn. I knew before this appointment i should of medicated up to ease the anxiety.

So home again home again jiggity jig. And medicate up I did! We had lunch which went surprisingly well thats what meds can do for you i suppose what a magical wonder of the world. How grateful to medical science I am. Then as I had taken four times my prescribed amount i fell asleep. 40 minutes later my gran woke me I felt ubber tired after this it felt like i had only just drifted off.

2 o'clock came and went so did 2.15, 2.20, 2.30, 2.40 and 2.45. "Rebecca" My turn... again. Off I went I sat in the chair like i had the first time. And he in his like he had the first time and so many times before. "I just found out the name" he proceeded to do a mental health plan which took him near on 20-30 minutes to complete. He had a name (Alice). He told me to ring her when i got home and arrange an appointment.

One last question since i had my scripts filled in the morning (to save me having to visit him again any time soon) "Could you please write me a script for seroquel?" "Sure, what strength" "25mg but i take up to 100mg even though I'm only prescribed 50mg a day" "Ok, I will prescribe it for 50mg twice daily" yet again  he encountered yet another problem some computer glitch *rings someone* "Ok i can only prescribe for 60mg so I will prescribe 100mg" Yep I got my meds increased by 4 times the amount just by being honest! (because that's what i take anyway and nothing will change that except now I'm likely to take more then prescribed, I have a tendency to do so when life gets unberable) Although I didn't expect that outcome in the slightest. It was as if he was handing out candy to a child that's how easy it was to get him to chnage my prescription i thought he might give me a lecture not change it...Magic to my ears a prescribed dose that will actually be beneficial.

Needless to say the seroquel i had on board before the second appt made it more bearable then the first time. Lesson learnt.

I got home and anxiously called Alice she said she would call me back this afternoon what didn't occur to me beforehand was that she might be private. My grandpa thinks she is. at $100+ a pop I think i need a new referral. Damn looks like i have to see the "Awful mean bad dr" Again -.-

Oh and to top off the day I had homework to do; an english language competency test. It was 25 minutes timed and 42 questions. I answered 32 and got 21 right. So over half what i answered and just on half of the combined total. Congrats me. Bring on Tuesday, it will be a long day (1pm-7.30pm) but I'm keen to actually learn something of slight relevance to my course.

My first day of school

Update time; 9-1.30 we were scheduled to have class. At 6am my dad woke me to wish me the best of luck and tell me how proud he is of me. Very greatly appreciated though. So then i was bursting with excitement and couldn't sleep so up and at em I went. No one was home. I waited and waited and waited still no one so I did my make up. Gate grates open... Woof woof, dogs are home... Grandpas home. Darn it I'm hungry where's gran? He have me a pep talk, again greatly appreciated. 15-30minutes later gate grates open again shuffle shuffle. It was gran! Brekki time. I had been both waiting for it and dreading it all at once and which one more I couldn't tell you. Bacon and eggs on toast. Energy food as my gran calls it. She then proceeded to make my lunch 6 cruskits with Nutella two shortbread biscuits and a bottle of water. Photo time! It was like my first day back at school all over again a little bundle of energy (or not so little) bouncing off the walls counting down until 'take off' 8.30 crept around and it was off! My first stop was the reception area to get some direction as I was waiting I overheard someone asking where the diploma of nursing students were " room 410" "excuse me are you doing nursing?" "Yes we are" "can I come with you" "sure" and there you have it two friends in less then 10minutes. Elle and Jess. Both in group A. Unfortunately I was in group B but never fear right behind me sat two more girl a little older then I (26) we got talking and soon enough bam two more friends. Teraysa and pip. We spent the day finding our way around the online classroom (I think I'm more likely to get lost on there then on campus). We had a 15minute break where we went to a little sitting area on the fourth floor Elle ate sandwiches and Jess a salad here I am with six cruskits...I ate 2 and drank some water. I was 'full'. Really I didn't want to be seen as a pig. Then it was back to the computers. Annoyingly my computer chucked the dummy and the techi couldn't fix it so he wrote his number down and told me to ring him once we had finished for the day. We were moved into the computer pod where our teacher was giving us pep talks. 1 o'clock came around and we were dismissed. So I went and waited back in our classroom I rang the techi and he told me he'd be up in ten so I waited patiently as I waited Teraysa offered to drop me home once I had finished. I happily obliged. The techi arrived and the problem was quickly fixed then it was off to Australia fair to pick up a go card (allows you to travel on trains buses and trams) I found the lotto shop easier then first thought. I rang Teraysa her and pip were at KFC. Inevitably they were pigging in. I not wanting to be left out sheepishly ordered. I ate. I was FULL like actually couldn't eat another thing full. Uncomfortably full. Then home again home again. Just had phone calls from all my family for the last hour now I'm thinking about going for a swim but I'm afraid I will sink to the bottom lol. Now my gran is making a celebratory roast chicken for dinner OMG FOOD IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTANCE

Butterflies

Well with all the darkness in my life at the moment I am pleased to report there is a glimmer of light. I am going back to school, tomorrow in fact. I am officially a nursing student and I am so pleased to be able to say I finally have a purpose in my life rather then having every action dictated by a number or my intake. I am more nervous then I let on but I am equally just as excited and elated. I think I'm more nervous about moving away from home.

What will tomorrow bring? Will I make friends? What will I learn? Is this field really for me? Only time will tell.

I had the 'what shall i wear' dilemma the other day but that's now sorted; a black and white striped floor length skirt and a white tank top. I shall do my make up and i straightened my hair for the first time today since I had it permed, let's just say my god no way in hell was I going to turn up with my hair like that! It looked dreadful so I had a shower and washed my hair in anticipation.

I don't know how I could possibly sleep tonight the butterflies in my tummy sure are flying around and making their presence known.

So today has been busy. It started off with my usually breakfast of 3-4tbs of plain yoghurt. Then I got dressed ready to start the day in style. My gran was going to the crisis care centre to help the homeless and she had an epiphany that I should volunteer at the church playgroup I was a little hesitant but once I got there all the hesitance faded away it felt natural helping out. And I would actually go back there and do it all again next week! (except we don't know my school timetable yet, i get that tomorrow). Then it was home again where I did the washing had lunch and then popped down to the tafe and enrolled myself. Home again home again time to do some journalling then news time and now blogging. I've barely had a moment to myself but i wouldn't change today for the world it's the start to a new beginning

In. Out. In. Out.

I find it so hard to blog these days. To find something of relative importance to tell you. But I am empty. In ever sense of the word. The words cease to exist and my mealplan is decreasing rapidly. I'm barricaded up with 'safe' foods and battered down with negativity. It consumes my every thought. My every waking and my every sleeping hour.
I reminisce,
I recall,
and I remember all the times.
The times I have cried in therapy.
The times I have screamed "I HATE YOU" in therapy.
The times it was called for a readmission even a day after discharge as a result of therapy.
The times I was poked and prodded and watched.
The times I had a tube shoved down my nose as i refused to eat or drink.
The times I wished to just die already!
I remember all these times with much regret that I had no control and yet I yearn for it all the same. To feel
Wanted
Needed
Appreciated

I'm trying so hard to be a 'normal' teenager. To enjoy my last year as a teen before i move on to my twenties. I'm trying to reengage with society.
To make something of my life.
To go to school.
To move out.
To start working.
To do all the things 'normal' people do at my age. Not living off a pension downing tablets to keep my sanity and peace of mind being in constant turmoil feeling the pull of the tide of falling in and out of hospital life. Getting into a routine of
Eat
Stop eating
Abuse laxatives
Purge
Self harm
Run
Skip
Sit ups
Star jumps
Dehydrate
Poke
Prod
Shove
Cry
Scream
In
Out
In
Out
And so on

Life isn't as easy as I thought it should be I wasn't gifted with a manual on how to live or in my case die. There was and still is no easy way out. Sometimes you have to muscle down and fight. But I'm drained. So drained. I don't want this life anymore. I want to go back to a sub existence. Where I had no responsibilities where i could openly be me. It hurts so much to hide. Or to even engage in what my life is openly in front of the watchful eye of my oblivious grandmother. And so it goes on.So I suppose I will just 'muscle down' and do what I have to do. For now. Maybe I will try weightloss the 'healthy' way (with exercise and safe foods)?