Can't have my cake and eat it too

11weeks on Tuesday I have been out of hospital. 11 weeks I should have a party! Except it's about to be tainted. I should never of expected more of myself. I'm a disappointment.
A let down.
A disgrace.
A failure.

Gran made cauliflower soup last night for dinner it was an in your face reminder of the 5weeks I went without eating. I had pumpkin soup on my birthday I blew out the candles on my cake and you know what I wished for? I wished to die to end it all. Clearly wishes don't come true. I didn't eat the cake maybe that was the problem?

One day later I was admitted to hospital dehydrated hypoglycaemic a postural drop in bp and an increased hr and with kidney failure. Happy birthday! I was greeted with an IV and a NG tube. And that was the start to this period of 'recovery'.

I wanted to go to church this morning but I thought I was too fat and I knew staying holed up in my room is the best way to greet people with a relapse. Like so many times before I prayed. I prayed for my imminent death. One day my prayers have to be answered. Right?

All last night I was haunted by
The memories
The fights
The tears
The times I passed out
The hospital admissions
The op appt's
The Insertion of NG tubes and IVs
Time and time again.

Well I start school this week for real 3 days= 3 days of fasting or near abouts.

I told my dad last night I wanted to come home. He said we'd talk tomorrow. We did. He told me he doesn't want me coming home there's apparently nothing for me there except the same old cycle. I cried. He said we'd talk again Tuesday after I've finished school and him work. NO BODY FKN GETS IT I DONT WANT TO BE HERE I WANT TO GO HOME AND RELAPSE I WANT TO DIE AT HOME!

Ps. My grandparents hid the sales after 3.5 weeks >:<