Going to run away and join a circus! (TW-cutting)

It's official I'm going to run away and join a circus! Well...maybe not. Instead I will settle for sleeping with my head under the blankets on a fold up sofa listening to the buses rattle past and my dad tap tap tapping away on his computer allll day long. Again maybe I'll settle for a noon sleep in.

I just can't handle the demands of being a living thing of having to socialise of having to always smile and be the happy one, of being the fine one, when really all i want to do is curl up in a ball and cry cry cry and take some pills and cut a little yes I just said that. I've missed the silvery blade the crimson rows that flow. I've MISSED it and for months I have avoided it. But as the mountain of mess in my life grows so to do my temptations to delve into old coping mechanisms because lets face it I CAN'T COPE!

But I can't go back to my old ways. I have to be strong.

And maybe your all wondering what has triggered me to think this way today. Well, I had my appointment with P and D, J didn't show and I didn't expect him too. It lasted 15 minutes! I think it was the shortest session of my life, which is a good thing because by the end of  a usual 1hr session I feel like my head is going to explode from a lack of oxygenation. What happened in that 15 minutes was fast I can barely remember it which you would think would be the opposite way around with longer sessions having more to take in. Well the same amount of attention was needed if you had of blinked it would of been over.

The verdict is J has been in consultation with JCU (the Melbourne unit) and apparently a bed is becoming available P didn't know the details he said he would talk to J and give me a call within 48hrs (which i suspect I will be waiting a lot longer for) in accordance to P I'm not coping and the team had all hoped something would just switch in my brain and I'd miraculously start eating again which doesn't look likely. P also said it could take one week two weeks he doesn't know it all depends on when someone gets discharged (discharges occur on mondays and thursdays) but he hopes I'm there before the week is out. Which means he needs to 'vary' the CTO to make me an involuntary inpatient. He's trying to respect my wishes of not going to SCU so I just have to agree to go. But HOW can i agree to go when the first thing your faced with is food I can't even fathom (bar last night which was INCREDIBLY hard) lifting a spoon or fork or anything to my mouth its just TOO hard let alone with food on it and a clock counting down in an unfamiliar familiar environment with people I don't know. Not to mention they frown upon the NGT. I don't deserve this bed someone who wants help whose sicker then me needs this bed. I honestly never thought they'd take me back because I'm so uncompliant.

I didn't give P the letter my dad told me it was "A bunch of fancible words"

I'm so surprised at how fast my referral has taken its been in a month and I know many other people who have been on the waiting list longer then me and still haven't been able to get in. Why am I so special? I feel totally unprepared for this.

On another note I was weighed as I knew I would be. The psych scales are a kg higher then the gp scales (in the same building) and according to the psych scales I had lost 1kilo since thursday (according to my wii scales I had only lost 200g since thursday) and I get weighed again on the gp scales on thursday so hoping to see a further loss. Its all I'm good at these days and I'm not even good enough yet.

Letter to P, Happy Birthday To Me

Happy birthday to me and lets celebrate by giving you an uninvited visitor. TOM. Blaah its been months since he last appeared.

I had an awful dream about going back to JCU I was pinned down sedated and had an NGT inserted where I remained sedated for a number of days being tube fed. This literally bought me to tears I woke up with a flashback of when they pinned me down in the children's ward to insert a NGT :( and the time they pinned me down in SCU to take my bp and again to take blood. It bought me to the realisation I just can't do it anymore I give up on recovery on relapse on life nothing motivates me to wake up in the morning and as soon as I do I count the hours until I can curl up in bed again and have a new dawn. Hoping for a new beginning for something inside of me to awaken. My mum believes I have a deep seated fear that it's going to happen I think she's right maybe not as far as being pinned down but having the tube put back and it scares me I have never been scared of it before (except the first time they put it in I was in hysterics) and now, now I'm petrified. I just can't handle it!

Well I guess this describes it best, I wrote a letter to my psychiatrist it reads;

'Dear P,

Anorexia is seriously and unequivocally, REALLY DAMN EFFECTIVE. You know what I wanted to eat for lunch? I wanted a grilled cheese and chicken sandwich like everyone else. Emphasis on cheese. I wanted fries with that grilled cheese and chicken sandwich, and maybe even an overpriced chocolate milkshake. But Anorexia is just so goddamn good at what it does, I settled for my 1-cup of diet coke and a plate of air, and I’m guessing that just about made its day.

The voice inside my head is so powerful I can hear its bellowing reverberate inside my head telling me like a drill sergeant to eat nothing at all for breakfast, lunch and dinner. “You can be superhuman if you will yourself to be.”

I’ve been living off a mixture of drinks for the last four weeks. That’s a month of sheer hell! The voice inside my head tells me what to do, when to do it, how much or how little I can have and what substance is acceptable. I'm a puppet. More often then not I resort to my safe diet coke how could 2 calories do me wrong. Well I still feel a tremendous amount of guilt for betraying the voice for not being strong enough to live off of nothing. For being human!

Anorexia undermines my survival instinct to such a degree that, everyday I wake up in the morning and start counting down the hours for it to be over. We hear stories about people gnawing off their own limbs to escape when trapped, about the urge to survive transcending even those situations wherein one’s demise is imminent and unavoidable. Human beings are hardwired to fight for life tooth and nail, to accept defeat only when there is literally no other recourse… and yet, because Anorexia is so talented, I’m actually EMBRACING my mortality and ANTICIPATING my release on the mortal coil.

We’ve been together for a long time. I’ve been hearing the voice for longer than I’ve been menstruating. I suppose I should admit that I would be lonely without Anorexia’s company. Who would keep me up at night? Who would remind me that, even though I might be feeling particularly saucy on any given day, I’m still utterly worthless? I don’t think anything could affect me like Anorexia does.

Today is my birthday and it doesn’t even feel like it because I’m too self absorbed, too consumed with my Anorexia that I can’t even join in the celebration. I can’t even enjoy myself on my special day. I can’t even have my cake and eat it too. I can't even enjoy homemade soup for fear of not knowing the calories no matter how much I may crave that warm feeling in my stomach. I’m writing to you because I’m at my wits end I feel like the world is caving in on me I feel like I am suffocating. I need help but, I refuse to go back to SCU it does me no good! And more mental turmoil is all that comes. I am mentally scarred for life. I feel lost and alone, secluded and like a prisoner in there and lets face it they’re not equipped to deal with me or Anorexia they patch me up and send me on my way to self destruct again and again and again.

At my wits end,

Bec'

Well I guess that says it all. I don't know if I will give it to him but it helped to write it all down.

I just agreed to have HOMEMADE PUMPKIN SOUP FOR DINNER!!! OH MY GOD MY HEART IS IN MY MOUTH but I think it has made my mums month I just don't know how I'm ever going to eat it all I want to do is cry. I get weighed tomorrow and I'm just going to be an obese whale. Looks like no weightloss for me this week. I'm bound to gain it all back especially seeing as though I have my period.

UPDATE: Well my mum made the soup and it was A-MAZING. I feel like I've been missing out on so much. It was so much better then the store bought crap. Although I know the calories in that 'crap'. I did have to take 2 lorazepam though just to help get me through and even that doesn't feel like enough I'm tempted to take more but I don't want to OD. However the bowl was HUGE! I feel like I've eaten a horse probably due to the fact it's the first time I've eaten in a month so of course my stomachs not used to it. And now I'm bloated. I won't be eating again for a LOOOONG time. Now I feel the desperate need to over compensate. 8 laxatives come at me.

Look at this card my little sister made me absolutely melted my heart

And photos of me and the cake I didn't eat

Fantasising

So I woke up this morning to a nice little surprise. 300g loss after not one but two diet cokes yesterday which to me is like eating a full roast dinner! I've lost a measly 600g in 3 days how pathetic!? But the numbers still seem to be going in the right direction no matter how slowly. I've reached GW2.

Today the cravings are intense! I guess four weeks of no food can do that to you. I'm fantasising about going on a binge fest; hot chips, burgers, gravy, parmigana, subway, chicken, sushi, S&V chips, nachos, snickers, yoghurt, cream donuts, thickshakes, pizza, chicken kiev balls, garlic bread, spaghetti bolognese, noodles, custard, ice-cream, pancakes the list could go on. But its just teasing my brain as I know if I was faced with one mouthful of food I'd take one look at it turn and run in the opposite directions in hysterics trying not to regurgitate (sorry tmi) whatever may lay in the pit of my stomach, (which would probably be diet coke).

I wonder how much longer this can go on!? It can not be sustainable I'm truly shocked and surprised at my will power (or lack thereof--I'm supposed to be recovering) to have not eaten a morsel for so long surely I have got to be doing damage to my body. I have NEVER heard of someone going this long without a thing. And what's worse is there is no end in sight. I have since found out a human can go 2 months without food! OMG :O

I'm at my wits end I want to eat I crave it and I envy everyone around me able to gorge and satisfy themselves. I just want to break down come Tuesdays appointment tell P to take control as I can't keep living this way but what stops me is the sheer fear of being sent back to the Swanston centre the ONE place I am doing everything in my power to avoid. And the dreaded tube I don't know I could handle it again laying there not moving getting fat, fat, fat!

I guess only time will tell

AFL, Mandometer, Doomed Tuesday

Today was the AFL grandfinal. In other words one of Australia's biggest piss ups. I bought alcohol last night so i could try and keep up with my parents today but what do you know even 65calories is too much for me to handle. I settled for 2 diet cokes instead which make's me feel huge and guilty. I lost 300g overnight and now I'm petrified I will have gained it all back in water weight tomorrow. My weight has barely moved since Thursday which should be a good thing a step towards staying out of hospital but to me there could be nothing worse. The next hardest day will be Monday (My birthday) as again I'm going to want to celebrate. But I can't seem to put a finger up at AN and tell it to piss off. It's been FOUR WEEKS since I last ate! I don't know how I'm still functioning.

My mum suggested today I look into going to the 'mandometer clinic' in Melbourne (it originated from Sweden_ its an intense day program the only thing that stops me is my lack of funding and the fact that i need to be 180% ready to give up this illness and I'm not sure I'm at that stage and I'm sure there would be much more deserving and willing people out there. They apparently have a 70% success rate I'm petrified I'd fall into the 20% it doesn't work for as all else has failed.

I got a lovely phone call from the registrar this morning at 11 o'clock he wanted me to get a blood test asap I basically told him where to shove it and to wait until my appointment on Tuesday why ring and waste my time on a weekend when he was supposed to call yesterday! Gaah he frustrates me he's just...idiotic I hope to god he's not in my appointment on tuesday otherwise we're bound to get nowhere. Except... P's going to be there and he lets me get away with...nothing so I doubt he will be happy sending me home 4 weeks and going of not eating. Fingers crossed he's in a good mood and fresh faced from his most recent holiday.

Birthday shenanigans

My birthday is on Monday (3days) and my dad just asked me what I wanted I'm turning 19 and I said nothing when all I really want is to eat but nobody can give me that and to achieve that would be like asking your dog to sing... Not going to happen. One might even go as far to say impossible!

My dad then had a meaningful conversation with me about my anorexia saying he is trying to respect my wishes of not wanting to go to hospital but if (and when inevitably) I go unconscious unresponsive comatos and on the brink of death will he then call an ambulance. He has also taken the mismanagement of my case to our local member of parliament.

At 5pm I went and got my hair done as a personal treat its about the only place i go other then appointments these days. I went bright red again. 

I then went to the bottle shop to buy alcohol and my allowance is two a day to celebrate grand final and my birthday. 65calories per oz so two oz is 130calories I don't even know if I will be able to handle that. For the first time ever I let my dad see the sheer panic I have over calories standing in the bottle shop for a good 20 minutes umming and areing about which alcohol had the least calories or how i could reduce the calories. And he actually helped! He then sent me to buy a slab of coke walking back to the car i thought my heart was going to give way and when I got back to the car he realised and said "that wasn't a good idea I'll carry it from here" no matter how much i reassured him I was fine so verdict is he cares. A LOT!

My dad did however bring it to my attention today that my little siblings are going to want cake and dinner on Monday. OMG stress. I don't know what I'll do maybe let them do candles and sing and just not eat? My dad understands that I can't eat not that I don't want too

Today has been a really good day in terms of getting my dad to understand a bit more that although I want to eat I just... can't. He thinks I'm screaming for help and maybe I am I just can't see it everything gets lost in my little bubble and I cant see as far forward as my nose.

I'm fine

What a stressful day!?!? I don't even know where to begin maybe the best place to start is at the beginning.

So at 10.30 I had my dreaded psych appointment. She told me she wanted me in hospital but the act prevented her from following through. There was nothing she could do and it was up to my parents to take me to hospital if they believed I became too medically compromised. I left with a glimmer of hope.

Then at 12 I had my dreaded gp appointment where all hope was dashed my blood pressure was low and my heart rate was sitting at 120 (too put it lightly it was as though I had been running when i had merely walked a couple of feet). She shared the same concerns as my psychologist and immediately expressed her wishes to send me to hospital as it was her "duty of care".

She then called my psychologist who came down to have a "calm" talk with me about my options basically front up to A&E and except my fate or have my CTO revoked. I dismally agreed to go in with my dad where I spent the remainder of the day where I was told what I already knew my heart rate was too high my blood pressure too low and i was extremely dehydrated but upon further inspection of my blood results it was deemed there was nothing they could do as they came back all clear.

So here I am writing to you from the comfort of my own couch drinking a celebratory diet coke in complete bliss that my body has not yet failed me and yet again withstood the torture I am putting it through and despite this scare I am still sticking to my regime of one drink a day.

The only condition I have to have an appointment tomorrow with the registrar not looking forward to it I think he's a dick but I will stick with my famous two word line "I'm fine" which generally means I'm not but it's my word against there's.

So for another day I'm free and yet another time line has been set as too how long I can manage apparently I won't make it too tuesday before collapsing (Woops did I forget to mention I've collapsed numerous times over the last week and still stood up continued on my merry way saying "I'm fine"?)

Bring on another week of starving starving starving I got this

Unsteady

Since I stopped taking my medication...3ish days ago? I have stopped having my weight jumps up by 100-200g overnight which is a relief! But now in the morning it stays the same! Which is disheartening to say the least. Today I've lost a measly 200g putting me an exact loss at  5kg (11pounds) in the last week to the day tomorrow which has me feeling good and yet something yearns for more what if i gain before tomorrow??? D: 

By quarter to 12 today i was feeling really guilty as I had already consumed some diet coke in the hopes to keep my electrolytes somewhat stable. The feeling of being on the brink of passing out 24/7 is indescribable its pure hell and my body takes the brunt of it

Weigh in at clinic tomorrow 18hrs and counting. The thought of being honest tomorrow is scaring the shit out of me. My mind quickly turns to maybe I should lie to keep anorexias secret life secret! Which can I say is going to be almost impossible with the impending weigh in. But then if my psych rings my dad I will be found out automatically so is there really much point in  making up fables about how much I'm consuming? Not really, I'm at such a loss as anorexias puppet.

I have almost made it to Thursday without being caught passing out although my mum noticed last night and asked if I was feeling "unsteady" I snapped back "no" I barely made it to the chair before collapsing :/. Not to mention I just collapsed and my sister caught me and called my mum where my dad apparently said "there's nothing we can do" so starve starve starve I shall

Its no longer a matter of what i want but a matter of what i need. And what I need is help!