Happy new year!

I bought in the new year with style! I was asleep by 20 to 11. I didn't even drink! For the first time in about 5ish years for obvious reasons -.-

I'm at a loss for words. I have so many I want to say and yet no voice to speak it (or type it) in a coherent manner by any means at least.

I feel utterly emotionless. I went through feeling upset and angry and numb and now I don't even feel that. It's beginning to feel like the 5 stages of grief. What are the other two? Ha.

No, now I'm feeling empty! But that could be because of the fact I haven't eaten for the past 48hrs and I have no desire or intent to. I have managed an entire cup of water and 4 ice cubes. I would smash the 40hr famine haha. Although I'm not thinking I'd go too well at painting nails (I tried and my hands are very shaky!)

I just can't eat or drink it comes with too much (for lack of a better word)...baggage! I almost gave way to a SIP of normal coke last night but my brain screamed at me if I did I couldn't have a CAN of Pepsi Max today. Well today has come and almost gone and I can't get past ice. I just keep thinking my psychiatrist will weigh me tomorrow and I need to be at my skinniest, no water weight, pure, clean, completly empty.

So, maybe I will drink that Pepsi max tomorrow night? If I can bring myself too. Seeming like a lost cause. It's feeling like before I went into hospital last time I went through this exact same experience and well, that didn't end well... I physically can not bring myself to eat/drink and it's kind if scary :(

So I guess that's it I'm exhausted. Happy new year!

Going back

I'm on a new diet--it's called I don't give a fuck

My parents are well aware of my relapse now.

And I'm refusing to eat (just stoked up on diet Pepsi THIS.WILL.BE.MY.LIFELINE!)

Out of desperation my dad made an emergency appt at my clinic to which I kept up the forefront of "I'm ok, I'm fine, everything's alright, LEAVE ME ALONE" well... Now I'm back on the waiting list to go back to melb (it will be a shorter wait as I've already been there, but still no telling how long, they have a meeting early next week and will discuss then) 

They were going to send me to our local psych ward but it would of been pointless I would of continued up as they don't deal with ed's. 

So instead I have been sent home with yet another diagnosis depression! (on top of OCD, anorexia, anxiety and social phobia) to continue to starve and exercise and abuse laxatives (as they can't detain me because I'm not suicidal, and my dad said they won't push food on me) and in the meantime whilst we wait my meds have been increased and they will up my visits to clinic and reassess on Thursday -.-' 

Blaah so drained and exhausted an tired and angry and upset. And just generally an emotional train wreck.

What a way to end the year! 

"The world ends not with a bang, but a whimper" T.S.Elliot 

The mirror holds all secrets

Long I stood there

Staring
Gazing

Transfixed

Looking into the netherworld that has become my life

Peering
Judging
Longing

Condemned to this life that had become a seductive secluded world

The mirror torches the torched soul.

Dinner has just come to a blazing end I'm lying in bed crying. Bawling. Praying. Hoping, I can have the strength to devulge my evil secret to my mother.

But she won't come. So, for another day, my secret is safe.

Anxiety

Murky waters clear

And her face appears

Tear stained eyes

As she yearns to STOP THESE LIES!

Heaven forbid

Purged her soul

And purged her sins

This anxiety is like no other you’ve ever felt before. It’s worse! It corrupts your chest that’s so tightly compressed and not even a quaver is shown externally.

These pills make me look numb from the outside whilst the emotions build and bubble like someone has shaken a soda can on the inside.

This was my mum's christmas present from me I painted it in one of my sporadic artistic moments. She opened it and the whole family ended in tears haha.

Hope everyone had a happy and safe silly season

xxx

My letter to Santa this year

Dear Santa,

I know I may not have been the best girl this year and I hope not to ask for too much. But please if you can grant me this short little wish make me skinny and rid me of this awful disease that is Anorexia.

Much love,
Hopeful


Yeah, I can hope right? Delusions are good in short doses. Aren't they? Anyway not a lot to say today just wanted to wish anyone who reads this blog a Merry Christmas and a safe one at it hope you get all those things you wish for (as long as they're not as far fetched as mine haha)

Xxx

Seeing Red

I feel the cold blade as it slices across my plate

Engraving a mark of pain

Engraving an everlasting stain

I feel the blood as it soaks through my nightingale

Engraving a mark of pain

Engraving an everlasting stain

I feel the breath of the lord as I kneel to the demon of hell

Engraving a mark of pain

Engraving an everlasting stain

I feel cold as the reality sets in

Engraving a mark of pain

Engraving an everlasting stain

I feel the death that I live as I slice at my skin

Engraving a mark of pain

Engraving an everlasting stain

Engraving the truth of my life

Escaping the truth of my life

I slice at my skin with this blade

As cold as ice my skin bubbles and flows its crimson rows

I live a lie

And die a truth

And all I ask for is flight

As I engrave one last stain

My life

You guessed it, old habits die-hard. I’ve slipped back, finding solstice in a blade.

I even fought with my parents today. Which is a rarity! as I like to "keep the peace". And you'll never guess... *Drum roll*... we fought about... my anorexia, and if I’m relapsing, to which I blatantly denied (did you notice the sarcasm?)

But before then I started the day out well. I walked 3.5k down to the hairdressers at 9am for my once in a blue moon outing into the real world. And I had my six monthly hairdressers appointment for a change of scenery I suppose one could say.

So for more then one reason I am seeing red at the moment and so apparently are my parents.

Before

And...

After    

 (in the spirit of christmas?)

Curiosity got the cat.

So as the title goes curiosity got the cat. It's been what maybe 3 days? Since I weighed. Since I started mindlessly grazing like I was stuck in some kind of trance. Like I was some sort of animal! Well this morning I woke up. FOR REAL! I opened my eyes and though "bitch p-lease". 

No more can I handle the stress of trying to be normal. What is normal? The dictionary states that it is the act of "conforming to the standard of the common type; usual, not abnormal, regular, natural" well eating more then 600calories, more then one meal a day is not.normal.for.ME!!! Needless to say down the sink went the weet-bix and jumping on the scales went I.

An entire kilo gain and .4 on my BMI. Now comes the task of annihilating this weight gain. Should be quite easy really but still nothing to smile about here not until I am 'comfortable' again. Funny how you never realise your comfort zones until you breach them.

Thought I may also share with you a poem I wrote. A metaphor for falling.

Falling

My eyes adjust. My breath catches. My feet slip!

Free falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

A silent cry from her voice. Screaming without air.

Frozen.

With her hair neatly pinned back and her uniform concisely tailored to her. Beads of sweat form. A gradual warmth takes over.

Floating.

White clouds placed honestly. Left right and centre. Riding closer. Stupendous pillows of evaporative air.

Her eyes open wide by wind.

The wind of the stark reality.

Tumbling.

Arms outstretched like an injured bird, the wings half spread.

And to her starboard arm the glint of water catches.

A gymnast in motion.

Unreachable.

Untouched.

A hurtling fall.

She plummets at its will.

Lying in a field of broken dreams.

A cloud she cannot slip through.

She feels herself go.

Go outward.

Go onward.

Go forth. 

Xxxx Bec

Missing links

I am constantly thinking about my Anorexia how it came about and why I don't seem to want to give it up. Because truthfully what does Anorexia do for you? Screws up your heart, your digestive system, your reproductive system, your oesophagus. You get the pictures its just all out bad. But still I cling to it like a life boat! It is the one consistency in my life the one thing I'm good at.

I suppose it's like opening a pandoras box and perhaps the answers I may never find.

I bought a new watch today seeing as though clothes shopping now ends in tears and a lot of voices. And it was way too big. I couldn't work out if it was too big or I was too small either way it called for some missing links.

I leave you with some meme's that I find correlate with my Anorexia and my thought process all too well at the moment.

Xxx

Use this like a bible, learn to love yourself you are more then a diagnosis and you will be more then a statistic!

and this one I just find amusing. Perhaps one day. Or... maybe not haha

Chicken shit

I'm chicken shit.

Wake up in the morning,

Brush your hair,

Do your make-up.

And pull up a chair.

Same old routine.

Same old (fake) smile.

Same old lie.

Maybe one day I will convince myself if noone else?

I will not weigh today.

I will try to eat today.

Today, I will try to stay sane.

Battle of the wills

I can't keep doing this! I starve to feel alive, but yet I know it is ultimately killin me. I am emotionally dead as is my family can see this illness slowly ravage through my body. Each bite I take the loathing myltiplies. Each bite I take is a step closer to the minute I forfit.

I honestly can't keep living like this it takes so much energy to conceal something so in concealable. I just want to tell my parents I've relapsed and I don't want help. But I know you fight for what or in this case whom you love. It's not an easy battle.

I finally lost 200g this morning so my BMI has dropped back again. 400 from gw1

"Nobody realises that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal"- Albert Camus

Metamorphosis

Apparently I've gained 300g. I just can't shake it and I'm only 600g away from my first 'goal weight'. What a stupid term it's NEVER ENOUGH!

I'm still not feeling to confident but I can see a little difference so I thought I would share. Sorry I'm so short of words I guess the shattered pieces of my life at the moment are held together with what little sticky tape I have at my dispense.

Who knew two weeks could feel like a missed lifetime?

I'm hopping for a happier outlook soon, but right now even the little things seem too hard.

Much love to all
Xxx

 9/12/13

15/12/13

15/12/13

A cause for concern

"...my walls go up and my doors lock. I nod like I'm listening, like we're communicating, and she never knows the difference.

It's not nice when girls die" -Wintergirls

My mum and dad are "harbouring concerns". I see no need. I grow defensive and irate. We're both fighting. Opposing battles, noone's winning. I wish they would stop trying to save me.

Lesson #101

Shit.

Literally!

Laxatives.

-You get addicted
-They make you dehydrated
-You only lose water weight
-They ruin your digestive system
-It gets hard to... You know...go
-And when you do...go, it happens at the most inconvenient of times
-AND there's no stopping it

Lesson learnt: Laxatives are a bad bad bad thing!


Well now on to a more can we say appealing subject. Yesterday I managed to fast for 45 hours before I caved. And boy did I CAVE! It was like I was a robot and something else was compelling me to eat.

I ate 4 small Easter eggs (yes I still haven't finished them, they were literally locked in a bag!) and 4 small squares of chocolate 500 calories. So yesterday I would consider a 'binge' day for someone who doesn't binge, because then came dinner! (the unmissable meal) another 500 calories (1000 total blaah feel so disgusting and gluttonous and incontrollable saying that).

Well I did damage control and ended up exercising for an hour. Oh how I've missed that feeling (I'm an "over excerciser"). Looks like that will be re added into my daily plan. And after such a horrific calorific day (I'm eating 600cals again most days --except for yesterday-- like I did for a year before I was admitted for my three month hospital stay) I vowed not to weigh today to see such disappointment. But, you guessed it I couldn't help myself.

I used it as a punishment and instead found myself rewarded (although in no way do i consider eating 1000calories a day OK- applying only to myself!) with another loss. 600g and .2 off my BMI to be exact. So in ten days I have done what I thought was the impossible (whilst still consuming something) I've lost 3.15kilos and a whole 1.0 off my BMI.

I'll keep praying for tomorrow

Xxxx Bec

Another day, another gram

My hands are a pretty (jks)  mottled colour. My body freezing already like  death breathing down your neck whispering to you it's sickly sweet lullabies.

Euphoric. I'm like a crack addict. Except I'm addicted to my anorexia.

I went to the linen party last night. There was so much junk food chips, crackers, dips, party pies, sausage rolls. You name it I'm sure you could of found it. It was like a sensory overload the food dancing with your tastebuds. But anorexia won that fight. 

I managed an entire half a cup of coffee yesterday! And I lost a further 500g and .2 of my bmi today. It pays off I suppose. And any loss is a win at the moment (and in no way do I encourage eating disorders but I have full support and sympathy to those already suffering--it needed to be said).

Being told you look "healthy" and "unrecognisable" is like being hit with a brick in the face. But it's time to pick myself up and keep going. 

You know what I find most depressing? Seeing my friends in recovery loving life. Living life! And here I am in my own little corner grappling at anorexias feet more miserable then ever. But, happier now I'm losing again. In denial that it won't happen again.

No idea what the plan is today :P

Ready. Set. Go!

We've had guests from Sweden and we dropped them off in Melbourne around dinner time, so off we went to a restaurant. Talking about such havoc we went for Persian! I started panicking. Did I mention I've NEVER.eaten.Persian, before?! Well I managed roughly  470calories, but, I didn't trust them.

It was actually a really nice environment once I got settled, seeing so many different cultures at once embracing each other. And the FOOD! OH MY GOD it was HEAVENLY I didn't want to STOP. But, I did only eating half. The other half of my meal was made up with champagne that one of the three doctors we were with kept pouring me haha.

Going back to how I said we went to Melbourne I had major anxiety the whole drive up. I couldn't help but be transported back to the memory of my transfer and first day in the RMH. 

Well today is all planned out. Starts the same as usual no breakfast, coffee for lunch and then I'm going to a linen party tonight so I'll tell mum I'll eat there and my friend I'll eat here.

I didn't get a chance to step on the scales this morning my dads been boarded up in the bedroom reading the infamous "Fifty shades of grey", which is probably a good thing (today's been a 'fat day') but with today's plan I'm set for tomorrow weigh day. 

Xxx

UPDATE: Just weighed hair soaking wet. I've lost another 500g. That's 2kg in a week and another .1 off my BMI. So .6 off my BMI in a week. Needless to say I'm quite happy and feeling better in myself now.

Choo Choo

Well I am astounded to say I have had 164 page views in the last two days! Of which has well exceeded my thoughts.

I know I probably sound like a broken record to which I apologise. But I can't help it, I'm on a bullet train with no stops in between here and some otherworld. Full steam ahead.

It amazes me and, scares me how much my anorexia can 'get away with'. Sitting right in front of my mother I was able to hide my lunch down my slippers/sleeve/pockets without her even raising an eye brow in my direction.

I can't seem to stop. And perhaps the unknown of if I want to stop is worse.

"Actually that's my secret- I can't even talk about you to anybody because I don't want anymore people to know how wonderful you are"- F. Scott. Fitzgerald

Meet and greet

I don't know how these things are supposed to work. Am I supposed to introduce myself? Or write like a diary? 

Well I suppose a little intro can't hurt. 18 female from Australia. I live with my parents and 4 younger sibling but am moving states to live with my grandparents and redo my schooling. Anorexic. Recently discharged from hospital (against medical advice). Constantly sabotaging my 'recovery'. Severe anxiety. Prescription pill popper (for my illnesses) to make me happy :).

Well, now for the real deal you know how I said I "constantly sabotage my recovery" I used to tip my NG feed, I take laxatives, exercise and as anorexia goes do everything in my path to restrict. 

In the last week my calorie meal plan has dropped from 2500-3000 to a measly 850! 

My weight too as a result has dropped 1.55kg and .5 off my BMI! Needless to say when I jumped on the scales this morning and saw this I did the biggest campfire dance and even let out a girlie scream.

I'm without clinic for a least the next two weeks and I have vowed to lose as much weight as possible. Surprise surprise? I even planned on faking my weight with my loose change it equates to 200g now I think that would be a waste. I never set out to lose as much as I have but now I'm back on the train the brakes have been broken. 

Act One: Scene 1

The blog of another anorexic.

Another day. Another name. Another story.

Stay tuned for the adventures in this sick reality T.V show called life.


Sincerly,
Bluedragonfly95 (Blue)