Happy new year!

I bought in the new year with style! I was asleep by 20 to 11. I didn't even drink! For the first time in about 5ish years for obvious reasons -.-

I'm at a loss for words. I have so many I want to say and yet no voice to speak it (or type it) in a coherent manner by any means at least.

I feel utterly emotionless. I went through feeling upset and angry and numb and now I don't even feel that. It's beginning to feel like the 5 stages of grief. What are the other two? Ha.

No, now I'm feeling empty! But that could be because of the fact I haven't eaten for the past 48hrs and I have no desire or intent to. I have managed an entire cup of water and 4 ice cubes. I would smash the 40hr famine haha. Although I'm not thinking I'd go too well at painting nails (I tried and my hands are very shaky!)

I just can't eat or drink it comes with too much (for lack of a better word)...baggage! I almost gave way to a SIP of normal coke last night but my brain screamed at me if I did I couldn't have a CAN of Pepsi Max today. Well today has come and almost gone and I can't get past ice. I just keep thinking my psychiatrist will weigh me tomorrow and I need to be at my skinniest, no water weight, pure, clean, completly empty.

So, maybe I will drink that Pepsi max tomorrow night? If I can bring myself too. Seeming like a lost cause. It's feeling like before I went into hospital last time I went through this exact same experience and well, that didn't end well... I physically can not bring myself to eat/drink and it's kind if scary :(

So I guess that's it I'm exhausted. Happy new year!