I couldn't sleep last night (4.5 hrs been awake since half past midnight) maybe because I was so empty I felt nauseous maybe because I knew the impending appointment was rapidly approaching maybe because I just could not switch my brain off! Whichever the reason the world was still spinning this morning.
I managed to get a weight check this morning when my parents went for a walk at 5.30am my BMI is now considered underweight! Just, 19.5 I'm still in rapture about this as the succession of the day has been ever so exhausting. Again I put this down to the fact I can barely manage to drink a cup of water and I'm counting ice cubes! Who does this?!
Well now on to the events of this mornings appointment;
He discussed putting me on an ITO because I'm "refusing treatment" (not letting him weigh me and only ever saying I'm ok I'm fine) and my "health is deteriorating" FUCK HIM sorry I'm just so angry and upset right now just finished And then he rubbed it in that I almost died last time LIKE I DIDNT KNOW BRAINIACK. And the minute I collapse (saying I get that far again) to take me straight to A&E where they'll section me arrrrggghhh he infuriates me so fucking much we just fight "I'm fine" "no your not" "that's speculation word against word". He wanted me to at least see a gp weekly to check my vitals if I was going to refuse clinic, I said no way! He said he will also be talking to the unit weekly should only be a week or two wait for a bed (it's a tiny unit only 8 beds!) but he "doesn't want to send me there" if he doesn't have too please explain? What makes him 'have too'? He was the one who put me back on the list to begin with, not ME!
-this was cut and paste from some txt messages
He wanted to get my parents to throw out the scales but I wouldn't let him as my parents 'need' them for their new fad diet. I wonder how long this one will last? The last one lasted maybe three days an I'm being generous. So the scales are here to stay.
On another note I've also been exercising a lot recently anywhere from 3-8k today was 4.7k and I am pooped! I've had barely half a cup of water and 2 ice cubes and haven't eaten since Monday night (plus 7 ice cubes yesterday and half a cup of water again). Lets just say anorexia locks me in a glass case and wraps around me like a silk scarf
What an eventful few days
Xxx
He mightn't want to send you back, but he has to. He has a legal obligation to. You're his patient, and he has a duty of care to keep you from risk. I imagine he'd much prefer to treat you as an outpatient, but it's not an option since you've been refusing to engage in treatment in any way.
ReplyDeleteAt this point, RMH is a certainty. But don't let it come to sectioning, or god forbid A&E. We both know who'd be sectioning you at A&E, and yeah, 'nuff said. Even if P does section you and you were admitted through A&E, you would only have to see him and the other EDS/Clinic psychs (therefor avoid the asshole psych at the hospital).
You do fit the criteria for an ITO, and while most of it can't be changed in an instant, there are things you can do to avoid it. The best thing you can do to avoid sectioning is to stop refusing everything. I know it's not easy, but if you could see your GP to get OBs done, that would be really really good. Let him weigh you. You need to show him that you can accept treatment without the need for a section. RMH is a certainty, but don't let it be under a section. It'll just drag it all out longer and more painfully for everyone involved.
xx