Porn

I told you I wouldn't be able to post much due to our new internet settings. And, I was right.

I honestly haven't done much at all this week to update you on and I sparsely see the point in trying to lengthen out a whole lot of nothing. I have been sitting on my fat ass watching porn shows not that sort of porn the auction type porn shows.

I went to the movies today and found myself smothered in AN thoughts. I went out last night to to a cricket function and I met a guy a year younger then me he was really nice we're now chatting on fb.

I also got burnt so i'm like a crispy chicken at the moment. Fried.

Anyway that's literally it I have outpatients on tuesday as long as I can hold myself together until then I will discontinue with outpatients and continue on my anorexic merry way I'm going to try restricting over pure fasting and maybe look at rentals?

A quicky

So yesterday I discharged against medical advice 9 days shy of my pre planned discharge date I just felt myself slipping and needed to stop it because the ED unit weren't (I believe) equipped to deal with my relapses. So I'm on track...for now.

I have little to say except it will be hard to keep my regular posting my dad changed the internet password so now I have to ask to go online :P .

My mum told me today that if I'm planning on relapsing I need to start organising and paying for my funeral because her and dad don't have the money to pay for it. It was really hurtful and hard to take on board even if I know where she's coming from. And I do just wish my Anorexia would hurry up and kill me. But its a slow process a process I don't want my family seeing.

I'm looking at doing school next year in melbourne so I can move and still not be too far away from good treatment or my family. Next step getting my drivers license!

Anyway I'm off now to investigate school xx

Rebecca's, epiphany

Ward round as one may have remembered. And it didn't go my way so I've thrown a tanty. I've gone on a hunger strike. But I have yet again come to the conclusion that it just won't get me nowhere I want to go! So I'm ballsing up and drinking my ensure. My safer option when I'm just not in the mood to eat. It was a plan I came up with to help me achieve 'recovery'. 

I rang my dad earlier today and asked him to pick me up regardless of what the team had suggested and he was angry with me for not taking there word into account the thing is though I had already run through all the scenarios in my head. 

The only reason it would be against medical advice which I asked specifically about is because there is still "more to the program like cooking and outing". I don't want to do cooking here because I feel overwhelmed and I just don't like engaging in old behaviours I actually enjoyed once upon a time ago. And I don't want to do outing because I went on leave with a friend yesterday and that was so much nicer and less intimidating. Plus I don't even like the lady who does outing she's just not involved in my care at all. 

I've so gone off on a tangent lol anyway the point was my dad and I argued so I'm staying another night. But I've been trying all arvo to rope him into picking me up tomorrow he said he can but it won't be until lunch time. I was OK with that otherwise I was going to look into a taxi voucher but I'm not sure it would get me to another city. 

And now I'm back at the time where I don't know what the right thing to do is. Well in actual fact I know what the right thing to do is that would be to wait it out the next 9 days but I really don't know what I am going to get out of another 9 days if I don't want to be here in the first place.

I just had supper and opted to eat on the neuro psych side it was much more relaxing I think I am going to eat over there from now on. They even have filtered water! Big thing here the ed side had our water fountain taken away because people were purging in it. Anyway I had a great talk with my contact nurse who didn't judge and accepted and actually helped me work through my thoughts and I think the right decision is to leave! I'm ready and I'm not going to become anymore ready in 9 days then I am now.

There's a new patient today (2 actually) and one of there names is Rebecca I find this quite confronting because I still live under my rock where I believe 'rebeccas' are immune to anorexia and eating disorders.

Out and About

So today I was given half day leave (1pm-5.30pm). It was bliss. I met up with an ex patient i grew close too. She showed me around Melbourne and I looked at everything awe struck like a tourist  I felt like I've been living under a rock for the past 19 years of my life. We went to the queen Victoria markets were I bought a $5 agate stone necklace on a leather cord, we went to QV were we had afternoon tea frozen yoghurt (again something I've never tried before but something i will definitely try again) and Big W where I bought a $9 pair of flats. We went to Daiso where everything is literally $2.80 I bought colourful tape and a pencil shaped like a syringe I though it was funny yes my humour is that lame. We went to the emporium where we sampled tea and drank it to our hearts content I bought a coffee mug which i think will be best suited to soup its...too big. But all in all i had a blast we watched buskers and saw homeless people all of which i felt sorry for and blessed to be me.

The decision to discharge or not is looming I'm conflicted and I feel any decision i make will be wrong due to my clouded judgment even though everyone my geelong team, the melbourne team, my friends and my family all urge me to stay the next 10 days and hey what's another 10 days right? 10 days in here is a lifetime. So in preparation for tomorrow if i do decide to leave I have packed my bags. And the dietician has written up the supplement regime that I asked for, I have to let dad know after morning wad round if i want him to pick me up...I think I already know my answer quite obviously for all the wrong reasons.

I honestly want to go home so i can restrict I want to stay here to get better but I want to restrict which would be triggering for all the other patients which is understandable so instead they deal with my restricting with punitive measures of seclusion. I wouldn't mind the seclusion over meal times but I do if thats where I have to remain for an entire day! Margaret dealt with it so well but she was forever lonely good thing she was so malnourished she just slept it off something I'm not too good at, forgetting that is. My mind still races even when I sleep. Plus she was only admitted for two weeks. And I am slowly making progress here gaining extra time off the ward.

Going out today though really made me think I'm missing out on life! It's the sad reality.

Red fizzy drink

Today has been eventful yet not at all stimulating. We are currently in lock down and have been for quite some hours since at least 3pm (its now 7.20pm) because one of the girls that i call crazy and psycho has been trying to escape. Obviously to no avail. So that has been entertaining all we needed was the popcorn. I'm a "horrible mean bad person". But honestly I do feel sorry for her I completely understand where she's coming from and i too am guilty of being an escapee.

My hr was just sitting between 150 and 158 again MET call criteria but this time the nurse didn't seem to even bat an eyelid. I was also told that the ecocardiogram that had been ordered has apparently not been ordered because he's 'not too worried' it seems like no one here really cares I feel like my heart is just about to jump right out of my chest. This is one reason why I want to leave nobody takes me seriously.

I made a pros and cons list of staying here and of going home it wasn't very successful and has just left me more confused and conflicted here's the list;

PROS TO STAYING -Inpatient team/nurses support -Groups -Friends -Meal support -Family Therapy -Banana Chai

CONS OF STAYING -No control over meals -Wasting time and resources -Stalled progress -Feeling misunderstood -Being away from my family/friends -Being unable to create a future -Doing it for my family/friends

PROS OF GOING HOME -Restricting -Family -No restriction on activities -Control over intake/outtake -Less restrictive environment -Being able to focus on school and building a life -Seeing Lesley

CONS OF GOING HOME -Restricting/Relapsing -No 24/7 support -Being sectioned again -Becoming medically unstable -Letting my family down -Being sent back to the Swanston centre -Not being allowed back to JCU -Against medical advice -OP support minimum

My head is all over the place. In one respect I want to go home in the other I want to get better and on the bigger side right now i just want to relapse fall headlong down the rabbit hole. My ED thoughts are yet again running rampant in my head like little kids on red fizzy drink.

Pick me up

Dad says he will pick me up monday or wednesday if i so do choose not to stay here. I think if I make it to wednesday there will be no point in discharging myself with a mere week to go. But i'm desperate and desperate times call for desperate measures. I have to decide by Sunday so my dad knows if he has to take the hour and a half trek up to Melbourne. I think I want to go. Actually no I know I want to go! But I also know that is my eating disorder talking my eating disorder trying to manipulate me into being well....manipulative, playing the system to work in my favour.

I spoke to my older sister tonight and she expressed to me that she was suicidal and wanting to go to the chemist to buy pills to overdose. And what was i supposed to do sit here in a hospital being worried sick? No! I called the emergency triage number and got support. My team here were very sensitive and compassionate toward me as I told them what had happened through sobs of tears.

Today was the funeral for uncle kenny i wasn't close to him so missing out on the funeral wasn't such a bad thing. But it has reminded me that Caitlin's birthday is fast approaching and I don't know how on earth I am going to cope with that my normal way would be to retreat back to Anorexia's arms. But this time I have to try something different. I've given up on different I don't want different I hate change! To clarify caitlin was one of my friends who passed away when we were only 12 in a train accident.

I also believe I have figured out one of my triggers for eating disorder thoughts; banana chai tea its sweet and made purely with hot milk even though i ask for skinny milk it's still too much for my brain to handle i get sent into a frenzy yet i refuse to give it up maybe I should opt for a smaller version?

Anyway even after my strong long black coffee I am still very sleepy and want to watch the back of my eye lids and sleep until Monday. Discharge come at me whether I'm ready or not there is and only ever will be one way to find out. To jump in head first.

the list grows

Ward round yet again today it comes around so quickly I can't keep up with the days. Well at least today I was able to hide behind the curtain so to speak in other words I didn't have to face the room full of about 10 different pysch specialists that analyse every move or word you say.

Again I get;
-cooking if I would like I don't know if I will take up the offer. It sends me into a state of panic I haven't cooked for so long and especially not something that I have to EAT! 
-I get half day leave over the weekend which is pathetic and pointless i swear they don't take into account that I LIVE IN GEELONG! 
-I am now off QID (4 times daily) obs instead I'm on BD (twice daily) obs they're only monitoring my hr anyway which is off the charts it reached 153 again today.
-I do however get a second 15 minute break off the ward which means half an hour of freedom a day! Woopie.
-I'm allowed raisin toast for breakfast.
-And to be discharged with consent I have to continue to do the program and eat 100% of the mealplan  so over this bullshit.

So I rang my psychiatrist to find out what the go is. I can not end up back in the Swanston Centre I need to go home! that is what my heart and mind are telling me today for once they are in sync I know people have been here and still are here longer then me I know 2 weeks go's by in a flash but it's not a flash I'm willing to take. Because by the end of it what will we have achieved? A waste of 5 weeks (or in this case 3 weeks) I will be straight back to square one I'm not physically or mentally ready for 'recovery' Kathy was right :'(

I feel like I'm at a crossroads between wanting recovery and wanting relapse I just feel like I can't deal with the world at the moment and my only solution to that is to starve my way into perfection. I didn't et a hold of my psychiatrist but i did get to talk to my case manager who i was blatantly honest with when she asked "why do you want to go home?" My response initially was I'm home sick followed by a "...I want to restrict" which inevitably means go cold turkey on the whole eating situation. Dad says I can come home monday or wednesday if i want but i have to agree to do outpatients and I have to attempt to eat. I'm thinking an ensure for dinner would be a good substitute. But maybe I should wait then maybe he won't expect so much of me? I doubt it I think I am only giving him false hope.