Pick me up

Dad says he will pick me up monday or wednesday if i so do choose not to stay here. I think if I make it to wednesday there will be no point in discharging myself with a mere week to go. But i'm desperate and desperate times call for desperate measures. I have to decide by Sunday so my dad knows if he has to take the hour and a half trek up to Melbourne. I think I want to go. Actually no I know I want to go! But I also know that is my eating disorder talking my eating disorder trying to manipulate me into being well....manipulative, playing the system to work in my favour.

I spoke to my older sister tonight and she expressed to me that she was suicidal and wanting to go to the chemist to buy pills to overdose. And what was i supposed to do sit here in a hospital being worried sick? No! I called the emergency triage number and got support. My team here were very sensitive and compassionate toward me as I told them what had happened through sobs of tears.

Today was the funeral for uncle kenny i wasn't close to him so missing out on the funeral wasn't such a bad thing. But it has reminded me that Caitlin's birthday is fast approaching and I don't know how on earth I am going to cope with that my normal way would be to retreat back to Anorexia's arms. But this time I have to try something different. I've given up on different I don't want different I hate change! To clarify caitlin was one of my friends who passed away when we were only 12 in a train accident.

I also believe I have figured out one of my triggers for eating disorder thoughts; banana chai tea its sweet and made purely with hot milk even though i ask for skinny milk it's still too much for my brain to handle i get sent into a frenzy yet i refuse to give it up maybe I should opt for a smaller version?

Anyway even after my strong long black coffee I am still very sleepy and want to watch the back of my eye lids and sleep until Monday. Discharge come at me whether I'm ready or not there is and only ever will be one way to find out. To jump in head first.