Red fizzy drink

Today has been eventful yet not at all stimulating. We are currently in lock down and have been for quite some hours since at least 3pm (its now 7.20pm) because one of the girls that i call crazy and psycho has been trying to escape. Obviously to no avail. So that has been entertaining all we needed was the popcorn. I'm a "horrible mean bad person". But honestly I do feel sorry for her I completely understand where she's coming from and i too am guilty of being an escapee.

My hr was just sitting between 150 and 158 again MET call criteria but this time the nurse didn't seem to even bat an eyelid. I was also told that the ecocardiogram that had been ordered has apparently not been ordered because he's 'not too worried' it seems like no one here really cares I feel like my heart is just about to jump right out of my chest. This is one reason why I want to leave nobody takes me seriously.

I made a pros and cons list of staying here and of going home it wasn't very successful and has just left me more confused and conflicted here's the list;

PROS TO STAYING -Inpatient team/nurses support -Groups -Friends -Meal support -Family Therapy -Banana Chai

CONS OF STAYING -No control over meals -Wasting time and resources -Stalled progress -Feeling misunderstood -Being away from my family/friends -Being unable to create a future -Doing it for my family/friends

PROS OF GOING HOME -Restricting -Family -No restriction on activities -Control over intake/outtake -Less restrictive environment -Being able to focus on school and building a life -Seeing Lesley

CONS OF GOING HOME -Restricting/Relapsing -No 24/7 support -Being sectioned again -Becoming medically unstable -Letting my family down -Being sent back to the Swanston centre -Not being allowed back to JCU -Against medical advice -OP support minimum

My head is all over the place. In one respect I want to go home in the other I want to get better and on the bigger side right now i just want to relapse fall headlong down the rabbit hole. My ED thoughts are yet again running rampant in my head like little kids on red fizzy drink.