the list grows

Ward round yet again today it comes around so quickly I can't keep up with the days. Well at least today I was able to hide behind the curtain so to speak in other words I didn't have to face the room full of about 10 different pysch specialists that analyse every move or word you say.

Again I get;
-cooking if I would like I don't know if I will take up the offer. It sends me into a state of panic I haven't cooked for so long and especially not something that I have to EAT! 
-I get half day leave over the weekend which is pathetic and pointless i swear they don't take into account that I LIVE IN GEELONG! 
-I am now off QID (4 times daily) obs instead I'm on BD (twice daily) obs they're only monitoring my hr anyway which is off the charts it reached 153 again today.
-I do however get a second 15 minute break off the ward which means half an hour of freedom a day! Woopie.
-I'm allowed raisin toast for breakfast.
-And to be discharged with consent I have to continue to do the program and eat 100% of the mealplan  so over this bullshit.

So I rang my psychiatrist to find out what the go is. I can not end up back in the Swanston Centre I need to go home! that is what my heart and mind are telling me today for once they are in sync I know people have been here and still are here longer then me I know 2 weeks go's by in a flash but it's not a flash I'm willing to take. Because by the end of it what will we have achieved? A waste of 5 weeks (or in this case 3 weeks) I will be straight back to square one I'm not physically or mentally ready for 'recovery' Kathy was right :'(

I feel like I'm at a crossroads between wanting recovery and wanting relapse I just feel like I can't deal with the world at the moment and my only solution to that is to starve my way into perfection. I didn't et a hold of my psychiatrist but i did get to talk to my case manager who i was blatantly honest with when she asked "why do you want to go home?" My response initially was I'm home sick followed by a "...I want to restrict" which inevitably means go cold turkey on the whole eating situation. Dad says I can come home monday or wednesday if i want but i have to agree to do outpatients and I have to attempt to eat. I'm thinking an ensure for dinner would be a good substitute. But maybe I should wait then maybe he won't expect so much of me? I doubt it I think I am only giving him false hope.