What did you get for christmas? Fat. I got fat.

Well I've found myself with little to say as of recently. The days seem to blur and merge into one. They are spent lounging on the sofas listening to music or sleeping. And occasionally engaging in conversation with my family. I feel fat and its only made worse looking at old diary entries of the same time last year 10 kilos lighter and you know what? I'm just as depressed and self loathing as then.

On the 23rd of december I had an appt with my psychologist. And as predicted she was as nice as ever. She was running through BPD (borderline personality disorder) with me she says you don't have to fit all the criteria but the vast majority and guess who fits that? apparently me. I don't want to be labelled again so maybe i'm living in denial but i refuse to be told i have bpd I am not and never will be the same as my older sister.

I also spoke to my psych about mental health housing she wants me to discuss it with my dad first before she puts in the application. She said to let her know next appointment. January 6th. I'm kind of thinking student res might be better I can live independently close to home cheap with other people that aren't sick and don't know my past ad i can still indulge in my anorexia. Seems legit.

Christas came as we all knew it would and I found myself caught up in the festives with panic engulfing me all day long. I just wanted to run in the opposite direction pretend it didn't exist lock myself in my room anything but pretend to be happy! Santa was nice to me though i got 6 t-shirts a polaroid type camera and film then i got incense a tea pot and infuser and some wall art from my sisters and a book and an elephant (im obsessed with them) ring holder from my grandparents.

Boxing day was spent at the races getting fat, betting and drinking it was a good day but FAR too many people everywhere you turn you bump into someone

And today I've slept done absolutely nothing and enjoyed every bit of it (except for the morning shopping but if i didn't do that i would never get out of the house)

So i leave you there. Merry christmas and a happy new year xx

Tis the season to be jolly fa la la la ....NO

I've been house hunting and guess who found a house she has fallen in love with? ME! but there's one slight problem it becomes available for people to move in on jan 23rd I'm away until feb 11th :( looks like I'm going to have to keep hunting, but, it's perfect! and cheap ($160 pw) *sighs* maybe I can keep praying noone else likes it maybe i can pray something closer to home in my budget will become available maybe I can pray i can strike a deal with the home owners to move in when i get back (unlikely). Just maybe!

Last night we went Christmas light looking it was awe inspiring. The littlies love it although they fought like cat and dog in the car for 75% of the time. We had an ice cream on the beach for supper at 11pm. I had a snickers one one word omnomnom!

Tomorrow I meet with my psychologist I'm edgy and on nerve. I'm sure she's just going to look at me and think how fat has she gotten! (I know she won't she's too nice for that but my an tells me she will and we all know an is always 'right' --ha what a joke). At least I can discuss going on the wait list for mental health housing :) life seems to finally be taking shape.

I took a bunch of lax last night and today I'm paying the price. Did I mention my periods here... A week early way to make a girl feel fat!

Sorry this is so disjointed I will leave you with some pics of our adventures gallivanting around the country side last night

 

Triggers. What are they? Planning. Where did I go?

Triggers. I mentioned them briefly yesterday. If I recall correctly I stated maybe that’s something I should work on with my psychologist? I know its not a precise mathematical equation but it made me think, what are my triggers? I think one of them is looking at old photos of me seeing the transgression from healthy to skin and bone back to the healthiest I’ve ever been or in anorexia's words the 'fattest I've ever been'.

I think I have come to the conclusion I will ALWAYS be eating disordered there is no complete recovery but more periodic episodes of remission. It's constantly lurking waiting around every corner just over every bend to grab hold of your hand and cuff it to its own like prisoned best friends entangled in an abusive love relationship.

My dad thinks I'm relapsing because I'm wearing trackies a lot again listening to music a lot again and going to bed early and getting up late a lot again. Love how he can determine my level of heath based on my musical outlet and what I'm wearing. Ha. What he doesn't realise though is although I'm eating regularly still, now, I relapsed a long time ago. Before I got out of hospital I was destined for this I planned it I was content with the idea. I'm eating laxatives like candy again for christs sake and I plan on moving out so i can starve myself to death! If thats not evidence enough I don't know what is then.

I'm going to ask my psychologist on Tuesday to apply for mental health housing and in the mean time I'm going to keep house hunting as this is the preferred option so I don't burden anyone so I can plummet at the hands of my demons in the comfort of my own home my own rules my own everything. 

I'm trying to think of the foods I would keep in my house. 'Safe' foods. All I can think of is; Diet jelly, Diet soft drink, soy milk, rice cakes, diet yoghurt, peas+corn, carrots, apples, mushrooms, juice, coffee, tea, mocchachino. Let's face it my house is going to be just about empty! It's going to be difficult when I have my little siblings over because you have to feed them something! But at least I know when I'm fasting I won't have anything I can 'binge' on (and by binge I mean consume with more then 100 calories).

By the way Happy One Year blogging anniversary for the 7th of December :) I have reached milestones of 4700 page views in that year and accumulated 8 followers and had a total three comments (how pathetic aye? Way to make a girl feel unappreciated)

The good and the well, not so good

So today has been just as busy as the last few.

First stop on the agenda was to town to get my hair done at the beauty school and I left feeling just that; beautiful. I now have bright fiery red hair. But no pictures will be posted like I promised as I can't do my hair justice and I'm feeling incredibly overweight right now despite what everyone tells me-- You are a healthy weight. That word --healthy-- sounds so dirty to me I might as well be speaking profanities.

Then I continued on my way delving deeper into town, immersing myself in society once again and meeting up with a long time friend. The first thing she said to me was "I didn't recognise you with no feeding tube" I don't want to be known as the girl with the tube (or in this case without the tube). The tube shouldn't be my identity. But it has become an ingrown part of me we are one in the same after so many rekindling's of our relationship.

I made a bad decision to eat McDonalds for lunch something I haven't eaten in far too long or maybe not long enough. I got no satisfaction out of it and instead it has left me infatuated with my weight, what I look like and what I've become. And as if that's not enough I got home and had my mother tell me we are having take-away for tea. I already feel like I've gained 2 sizes and ballooned to the size of a small whale in the span of a few hours despite my rejection of morning tea and afternoon tea (I figure my lunch made up for my snacks for the day).

I can't wait until Tuesday I meet up with the lovely psychologist D which I haven't seen for 5 long weeks she told me to think about what I want to talk to her about and in all honesty I have no idea what i want to use my time to talk about! I feel like we have gone as far as we can go. I need her help to get mental health housing but thats about all I can think of. Maybe I should talk about my triggers figure out the origin of my anorexia? She said she'd brainstorm so I'm relying on her. I get in there and babble like a two year old I trip on my words.

I've also been listening to "the sea is a good place to think about the future'

I find I relate to it a lot at the given time. I can feel myself slipping the minute I start planning. But this time, I.WILL.BE.SUCCESFUL! My plummet has begun its a matter of time. You know how I know this? Its a secret. I know because I have been toying with the idea of overdosing on my prescription medication. I won't. Not yet. I have to die skinny. I wish people would stop interfering.

Busy bumble bee

Well today has been eventful it's 11.30 and I've been out most of the day. I'm a busy bumble bee. First it was to drop off my NG feeds at the hospital. What a huge feat that was! I wonder if I really do want recovery? I ate morning tea when I could easily have skipped it.

Then it was on to centrelink I headed. He was a really nice bloke. More importantly he was helpful! He suggested I apply for a disability education supplement on top of my pension. That's a further $60 a fortnight it's not a lot but it all adds up. I have a compulsory activity to attend psychology appointments (looks like I won't be discontinuing aha) and voluntary activities to go to school and go to a looking for work service. I'm not looking for work I'm looking for them to pay for my course haha. 

I'm looking forward to my holiday in January a month away a month to recoup to get a grip on life to relax and to prepare for a good year ahead! 

My psychologist rang and I have an appointment next Tuesday it's daunting as I know I've gained weight I know I'm a fatty all she's going to see is lard spilling out everywhere. But I plan on asking her about disability housing I might even call her back today to ask. Get the ball rolling.

Next week is busy Tuesday-psychologist appointment Wednesday- disability support service appointment Thursday- Christmas. At least it should be a little less costly from here on out as the Christmas period has reached it's climax and shall soon be over for another year. The only thing I need to pay for is my hair tomorrow (I'm dyeing it but I'm not set on what colour yet await photo bombing guys ;) ) and my phone bill then my dads going to pay for my course and equipment (as he owes me a small fortune) thank heavens I won't have to worry about that. $1600 later. 

I feel like my life is slowly falling into place. I am still very much consumed by ed but now sometimes I can ignore him and get on with living.

Baby Dino

"Baby Dino" that nickname still taunts me to this day. My great aunt called me this as a toddler due to my baby fat status. I was chubby and fat. But I was a baby? Does that give me an excuse? Hell no. But thats what my parents reassured me; it did account for something. Well I now avoid all mirrors when I'm getting changed to spare me Anorexia taunting me relentlessly. But last night I caught a glimpse and now I'm in a spin I feel triggered in every way shape and form. I don't really know where this is going perhaps its just a small reminder to those out there who carelessly throw names around. They stick. And, words kill. They are slowly killing me.

I have been watching anorexia videos constantly and I don't even know why maybe its my form of 'thinspo' although I don't believe in that stuff. It does trigger me though. I'm thinking about my anorexia constantly. Praying I will have the strength to move out next year so i can return to its 'loving' arms. I just want the torment to end. I even considered ODing last night but lord gave me strength, I didn't. Instead I went to bed.

Today I realised that we have mental health housing here which is cheap self contained and independent living. Its a step up program from living at home and a step down program from seeking refuge in a hospital. Rent is 30% of ones government funding. You have to be seeking treatment (or involved with a treating team-- which i am). And there is one community meeting/and dinner a week (?) Otherwise the rest is up to you. Maybe I could use this as a stepping stone to independence (and relapse, but lets keep that one between you and me ;) ).

I really have nothing to say this is a pointless post but I need to keep my thoughts in check.

battle of the wills

"They say you don't know what you've got until its gone" whoever said this couldn't of hit the nail on the head more precisely! I wish I could turn back the clock and embrace my anorexia rather then being pig headed and thinking I was naively fat. Now I am at my highest weight praying I never made that phone call.

I'm in a too and fro tug of war in my own brain. On the left is the rational brain saying go to school to make something of yourself (course in nutrition) then on the right I have the Anorexia saying go to school close to home so you can have the best of both worlds; family, school, independence and treating team (course in nail technology) And then there's the real me in the middle screaming silent screams that no one hears.

The coming days will prove a battle of the wills; Anorexia or life?