What did you get for christmas? Fat. I got fat.

Well I've found myself with little to say as of recently. The days seem to blur and merge into one. They are spent lounging on the sofas listening to music or sleeping. And occasionally engaging in conversation with my family. I feel fat and its only made worse looking at old diary entries of the same time last year 10 kilos lighter and you know what? I'm just as depressed and self loathing as then.

On the 23rd of december I had an appt with my psychologist. And as predicted she was as nice as ever. She was running through BPD (borderline personality disorder) with me she says you don't have to fit all the criteria but the vast majority and guess who fits that? apparently me. I don't want to be labelled again so maybe i'm living in denial but i refuse to be told i have bpd I am not and never will be the same as my older sister.

I also spoke to my psych about mental health housing she wants me to discuss it with my dad first before she puts in the application. She said to let her know next appointment. January 6th. I'm kind of thinking student res might be better I can live independently close to home cheap with other people that aren't sick and don't know my past ad i can still indulge in my anorexia. Seems legit.

Christas came as we all knew it would and I found myself caught up in the festives with panic engulfing me all day long. I just wanted to run in the opposite direction pretend it didn't exist lock myself in my room anything but pretend to be happy! Santa was nice to me though i got 6 t-shirts a polaroid type camera and film then i got incense a tea pot and infuser and some wall art from my sisters and a book and an elephant (im obsessed with them) ring holder from my grandparents.

Boxing day was spent at the races getting fat, betting and drinking it was a good day but FAR too many people everywhere you turn you bump into someone

And today I've slept done absolutely nothing and enjoyed every bit of it (except for the morning shopping but if i didn't do that i would never get out of the house)

So i leave you there. Merry christmas and a happy new year xx