Baby Dino

"Baby Dino" that nickname still taunts me to this day. My great aunt called me this as a toddler due to my baby fat status. I was chubby and fat. But I was a baby? Does that give me an excuse? Hell no. But thats what my parents reassured me; it did account for something. Well I now avoid all mirrors when I'm getting changed to spare me Anorexia taunting me relentlessly. But last night I caught a glimpse and now I'm in a spin I feel triggered in every way shape and form. I don't really know where this is going perhaps its just a small reminder to those out there who carelessly throw names around. They stick. And, words kill. They are slowly killing me.

I have been watching anorexia videos constantly and I don't even know why maybe its my form of 'thinspo' although I don't believe in that stuff. It does trigger me though. I'm thinking about my anorexia constantly. Praying I will have the strength to move out next year so i can return to its 'loving' arms. I just want the torment to end. I even considered ODing last night but lord gave me strength, I didn't. Instead I went to bed.

Today I realised that we have mental health housing here which is cheap self contained and independent living. Its a step up program from living at home and a step down program from seeking refuge in a hospital. Rent is 30% of ones government funding. You have to be seeking treatment (or involved with a treating team-- which i am). And there is one community meeting/and dinner a week (?) Otherwise the rest is up to you. Maybe I could use this as a stepping stone to independence (and relapse, but lets keep that one between you and me ;) ).

I really have nothing to say this is a pointless post but I need to keep my thoughts in check.