Triggers. What are they? Planning. Where did I go?

Triggers. I mentioned them briefly yesterday. If I recall correctly I stated maybe that’s something I should work on with my psychologist? I know its not a precise mathematical equation but it made me think, what are my triggers? I think one of them is looking at old photos of me seeing the transgression from healthy to skin and bone back to the healthiest I’ve ever been or in anorexia's words the 'fattest I've ever been'.

I think I have come to the conclusion I will ALWAYS be eating disordered there is no complete recovery but more periodic episodes of remission. It's constantly lurking waiting around every corner just over every bend to grab hold of your hand and cuff it to its own like prisoned best friends entangled in an abusive love relationship.

My dad thinks I'm relapsing because I'm wearing trackies a lot again listening to music a lot again and going to bed early and getting up late a lot again. Love how he can determine my level of heath based on my musical outlet and what I'm wearing. Ha. What he doesn't realise though is although I'm eating regularly still, now, I relapsed a long time ago. Before I got out of hospital I was destined for this I planned it I was content with the idea. I'm eating laxatives like candy again for christs sake and I plan on moving out so i can starve myself to death! If thats not evidence enough I don't know what is then.

I'm going to ask my psychologist on Tuesday to apply for mental health housing and in the mean time I'm going to keep house hunting as this is the preferred option so I don't burden anyone so I can plummet at the hands of my demons in the comfort of my own home my own rules my own everything. 

I'm trying to think of the foods I would keep in my house. 'Safe' foods. All I can think of is; Diet jelly, Diet soft drink, soy milk, rice cakes, diet yoghurt, peas+corn, carrots, apples, mushrooms, juice, coffee, tea, mocchachino. Let's face it my house is going to be just about empty! It's going to be difficult when I have my little siblings over because you have to feed them something! But at least I know when I'm fasting I won't have anything I can 'binge' on (and by binge I mean consume with more then 100 calories).

By the way Happy One Year blogging anniversary for the 7th of December :) I have reached milestones of 4700 page views in that year and accumulated 8 followers and had a total three comments (how pathetic aye? Way to make a girl feel unappreciated)