The good and the well, not so good

So today has been just as busy as the last few.

First stop on the agenda was to town to get my hair done at the beauty school and I left feeling just that; beautiful. I now have bright fiery red hair. But no pictures will be posted like I promised as I can't do my hair justice and I'm feeling incredibly overweight right now despite what everyone tells me-- You are a healthy weight. That word --healthy-- sounds so dirty to me I might as well be speaking profanities.

Then I continued on my way delving deeper into town, immersing myself in society once again and meeting up with a long time friend. The first thing she said to me was "I didn't recognise you with no feeding tube" I don't want to be known as the girl with the tube (or in this case without the tube). The tube shouldn't be my identity. But it has become an ingrown part of me we are one in the same after so many rekindling's of our relationship.

I made a bad decision to eat McDonalds for lunch something I haven't eaten in far too long or maybe not long enough. I got no satisfaction out of it and instead it has left me infatuated with my weight, what I look like and what I've become. And as if that's not enough I got home and had my mother tell me we are having take-away for tea. I already feel like I've gained 2 sizes and ballooned to the size of a small whale in the span of a few hours despite my rejection of morning tea and afternoon tea (I figure my lunch made up for my snacks for the day).

I can't wait until Tuesday I meet up with the lovely psychologist D which I haven't seen for 5 long weeks she told me to think about what I want to talk to her about and in all honesty I have no idea what i want to use my time to talk about! I feel like we have gone as far as we can go. I need her help to get mental health housing but thats about all I can think of. Maybe I should talk about my triggers figure out the origin of my anorexia? She said she'd brainstorm so I'm relying on her. I get in there and babble like a two year old I trip on my words.

I've also been listening to "the sea is a good place to think about the future'

I find I relate to it a lot at the given time. I can feel myself slipping the minute I start planning. But this time, I.WILL.BE.SUCCESFUL! My plummet has begun its a matter of time. You know how I know this? Its a secret. I know because I have been toying with the idea of overdosing on my prescription medication. I won't. Not yet. I have to die skinny. I wish people would stop interfering.