This could get messy...

We can't go under it. We can't go over it. Oh no, we have to go through it. That's how it is with this disease. Confrontation head on. "One small crack does not mean that your broken, it means that you were put to the test and you didn't fall apart."- Linda poindexter.

Shit hit the fan and bounced back off again. My thoughts manifested too quickly for even the best of me to handle. I'm back at square one little intake and little outtake (but under these circumstances any is enough). I'm officially back on a 'starvation diet'. Back on a "I don't give a fuck" diet.

I don't know what happened something just clicked in my brain when I woke up this morning that said "don't you dare eat" "you have to lose weight" "your only allowed so and so calories" and on it went like a wrestling match inside my head. I know where I'm headed but I don't care all I care about is my eating disorder. No doubt my dad will say last night tipped me over which maybe it did maybe it was my cold turkey on medication or maybe it's the fact I have never been ready for the recovery status that has been forced upon me!?

Not even a week out of hospital and I'm doing a backward pedal. Fast. But I'm determined even in this relapse or whatever that I won't end up back in hospital back with an NG tube even if that means faking being sick to get out of OP appointments, or, just flat out refusing.

I'm done with all this shit! Yesterday was the best day mentally in so long! I don't even know what was up with that but I was set to take whatever it had to give, but today it's all too much and I'm paving the path to hell again.

My motivation levels have dropped to about zero all I do is sit around or sleep all day I can't bring myself to emerge myself in the simple art project I started late last week or pick up my knitting I haven't seen in three weeks or begin to read a page in one of the three books that are becoming an ornamental piece in my room. *sighs* life is just too much at the moment I'd like the world to open up and swallow me whole.

Dinner was an absolute butchery I ate maybe 20peas if that and started bawling because they were "going to make me fat" my dad then graciously (not) said "well don't eat if you don't want to" well of course I don't want to! I left the table to where I am now hiding under my blankets bawling still. My parents gave me the ultimatum eat or take your medication I took the latter and told them I refuse to eat to which they counteracted we will deal with that in a few days. My medication doesn't make me hungry for the record it puts me to sleep and calms general anxiety.

It's 8pm and I'm now going to continue to cry myself to sleep

Xx Bec