It has only just dawned on me I am so 'recovery' focused at the moment but, nothing has changed! I'm not taking my meds which is effecting my sleep and anxiety, i eat <800 cals a day (on average i sit somewhere around 4-600) And most of my calories come from soft things yoghurt, soy icecream, coffee, tea, smoothies, soup (safe things) and a small bread and butter plate for dinner, I'm obsessing over walking a lot I average 7-8k a day, I weigh myself countless times a day i hate weighing after i've consumed anything but my brains saying "oh to hell with it" i need to see the damage but my weights staying fairly stable, I'm a neat freak and with my uprooting over the last couple months my room got into a state i didn't want to clean (well thats not true I wanted to clean but was scared to clean) in case i needed to get out quick I was struggling to even enter my room so i deep cleaned it took me 3 hrs but i have a huge weight lifted but i found laxatives about 75pills and i weighed myself after eating a bigger day 800cal and my weight had increased about 500g i couldn't handle it mind you i hadn't been to the toilet in about 3 days and my period is 6weeks late and could come at any moment so now i'm back on the lax wagon wheel after about 6weeks off them -.- i never last long.
I just want to be ok but when i sit back and look at everything i'm still as eating disordered as ever maybe i've just lapsed back into denial? I don't want to admit that in reality I have made NO improvements! Zero. None. My OCD has just gotten several times worse and i'm not sleeping. I just feel like i'm making everything up maybe my AN is cured because i'm happier and don't have this huge black cloud looming and can see a life but it just doesn't add up, these behaviours all indicate I am still 'sick'! :(
I'm now happily counting down the days until I move out (roughly) 60. Freedom come at me bitches. I am planning my decent. I have been told so many times my happiness is the only one that should matter.
I think what set me off is about 4 days ago I weighed at night after a 'bigger' day I had gained weight about 1.3kilos (2.86lbs). I was at an 'unsafe' weight. It has been nagging at me I was trying not to let the scales rule like my gp suggested. I should have just kept weighing seen the damage and put a stop to it. Then I wouldn't be in this spin.
I weighed last night same deal except it had been a fairly low cal day and I was still 1.3kgs (2.86lbs) up. Hence my revelation. I got up this morning looked in the mirror could both visibly see and feel my ribs my flat stomach my teeny tiny thigh gap and my favourite my collar bones or my 'handle bars' (when I get anxious I grab on to them like handle bars lol). Well, I bit the bullet and did my first real weigh in, in about a week AND hallelujah praise the lord I was down 1.5kg (3.3lbs) so an extra 200g (.44lbs) *cue dancing*
But I'm still pretty set on self destruction I just have to keep it together until then. Losing a few 100gs a day until then would be nice not to subtlety I don't even care if I don't achieve that BUT, I WILL NOT gain anymore then 600g! It's just crippling :'(
I'm so sorry guys what happened to me? :'(
I'm wearing a size 12 au skinny jeans! They fit! Tears of happiness. They are one size bigger then what i wore at my lowest weight. 45kilos (99lbs) I didn't expect them to fit i tried them on on a wim
Also I said yes to my friend and she said yes to me we are gonna start house hunting in 2-3wks and look at moving last week of August so less then 2months! Omg yes! :D FREEDOM
This is my teeny tiny thigh gap (my feet are together)
Today just gets better...
Also I said yes to my friend and she said yes to me we are gonna start house hunting in 2-3wks and look at moving last week of August so less then 2months! Omg yes! :D FREEDOM
This is my teeny tiny thigh gap (my feet are together)
Today just gets better...
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