Hunt or be hunted

My weight is up and down its a nightmare I can't seem to wake up from up and down the same 10kilos which is a big gap a lot of that is water weight. I want it to end why were scales invented why did I develop anorexia why must this stupid number dictate and mean so much to my life???

Today (well yesterday) I came to the realisation eating disorders are like the saying hunt or be hunted kill or be killed. We must kill it before it kills us we must chose recovery before we become the next statistic.

I'm still not coping. I'm counting down until my next fast before I can drop this weight before I can drop dead when can I stop eating next when will I be 'safe' when will everything be right again? Will it ever be right? Will I ever be comfortable? Will my life ever be the same again? Boy I wish I was 16 I wish I didn't go through weight restoration mind restoration yes but even that didn't work for me :'(

I'm just one big mess

I think I'm going to lie here and listen to the rain on my roof until I fall asleep or dive into my medicine bag 

Why do I crave oblivion? Why does overdosing provide me with the feeling I crave so much the in and out of consciousness the floaty airy feeling the in and out of life and death where your life hangs in the balance and a true test of your body. I wish I had never been found :'( 

Life sucks nobody wants to help me I've given up on myself a one man battle isn't worth the fight. And my dad messaged me yesterday saying he's glad I'm home getting stronger and he will love me as long as he's alive.

Fighting is so hard I don't even know what I'm fighting for anymore. I don't want to fight.