Conjuring

I had a meeting with my case manager and the register today. I put on my happy face. The one i have on most days not many people see the real me anymore. Back to the old me. The farce. I told her I'm more positive and upbeat (no lie) then i told her I was taking all my meds (lie) then i told her i got rid of my stock pile meds (lie) and she was so happy, "improvements" she says. I want to i just don't have the guts. I'm scared. Scared of everything mess, breaking routine, meds, foods, leaving the house, sleeping, appointments, brushing my teeth, opening my curtains. Everything! One of these days *sighs*. No more med reviews now for a few months unless i want one. I want my gp in charge again so i'm thinking of discontinuing but i'll wait until i see peter on july 6th before i decide. Hopefully seeing him i will come away with clarity. I even want to cancel that appointment what if he judges me what if i'm a lost cause what if what if WHAT IF!?

I then went to get my eyes checked i had been dreading it it makes me so anxious i know my eye sight has decreased but what if they think its all in my head??? I sat their shaking with cold and hot flushes. Well i bit the bullet and, i need stronger glasses. I'm glad I'll be able to see again without headaches or straining but man the money! Glasses cost $300 then i have to pay my mum for my coffee machine $70 next thursday i get paid $600 so thats half gone! glasses are a need coffee machine is a want that i need lol. And then i have no debts yay. 

I said yes to my friend today too! she hasn't said anything to me since though so maybe she doesn't want me anymore? I know this isn't true but you start to conjure up all sorts of things when your waiting for an important response. Just breathe bec