About two weeks ago I bought an exercise bike. Yesterday I bought a fit bit. Next week I'm looking at a gym membership. Tomorrow I'm looking at incorporating a walk too (if weather permits). I just don't know where to stop!
And my intake continues to suffer. And coincidentally I let it. I'm either eating and feel like i cant stop even though its nothing particularly calorie dense or I'm starving and don't know where to start. It's a cruel game of cat and mouse, but this mouse has eaten too much cheese and can't fit through the hole.
My ability to be civilised is decreasing. How? I don't even know I don't have a sociable life in the slightest even at my best. I have however been at my sisters the last three nights it's energy draining to even think about venturing home plus there's so many people at home with 4 younger siblings and my parents. I feel suffocated.
Life is just....blah. But I feel good indulging in my anorexia it always does it feels safe and familiar. I just wish I could make up my mind if i'm starving or going to attempt 'recovery' I really just don't see the point in trying anymore
I got my nails painted again today. Money i really didn't need to spend but i am much happier with the result so i suppose it was worth it?
I had my councillor appt with Gill on Monday. She was really understanding and made me laugh at how ridiculous i really am. It was a simple appt she asked me what i wanted to get out of therapy i responded with my parents happiness as is always the case. It was a semi-catch up appt we didn't really talk about hospital but she got the gist of my situation within half an hour. I see her in three weeks. It was a relief to be over but I'm happy I'm seeing her again I need the support and stability and really just a wake up call.
I've been self medicating with my old meds again and surprisingly they're really helping but i have to use it sparingly as I only have the one box left and i'm no longer prescribed it for addiction purposes
I'm going to attempt to make soup again tomorrow as i attempt to start a liquid fast again. For me its all or nothing there is no in-between but im trying with a limit of 600cals I did it once before so i know i can do it again.
The shopping cart of an anorexic
My purrty nails
Sorry I have been absent of late nothing i write seems 'good enough' but today i put perfectionist bec behind me
No comments:
Post a Comment