About a month ago i decided i had to give recovery another go, or, I was going to kill myself. My body was failing. I was dying. I have made a remarkable physical recovery since then but my mind is still as sick as the day my life became consumed by my eating disorder. Since my first hospital admission nearly 3 years ago. And every time something ticks me off I go running into the arms of Anorexia. I've hit one of those walls. Again.
I went to Matchworks asking them to help me with a resume and they refused unless I wanted to be linked in with them, so, I agreed. They told me Centrelink needed to re refer me and that i was still registered as living in Queensland. So I walked home in tears what is so wrong about me wanting to do something positive with my life? The lady yelled at me for "using attitude". Which makes me hate myself for being a 'bad person'
I went home and made my own resume. Maybe I will get a job off my own bat (which is what i want in any case)
I yelled at my mum last night before bed because we were talking about clothes when her and dad were having a smoke outside. The conversation about clothes went something like this
Dad: What are you wearing thursday night? Boots? (just to fill you in my mum and me are going to a concert tomorrow)
Me: I don't have any boots that fit
Mum: Yes you do why don't you?
Me: Its that thing called weight gain!
*conversation over* and then to add fuel to the fire I'm about to burst through my pj's I just feel so depressed the self loathing grows I don't even know how that is possible
I need cigarettes. I'M NOT EVEN A SMOKER! I need a job, so i can move out. Its a snowball effect
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