Well today is Monday I was supposed to go to Matchworks and sort out a resume but anxiety kept me at bay. I had already had the delight of going into the heart of town searching high and low for a dressing gown for my mother for mothers day. Her old one has cigarette burns and she wants one for when she goes to hospital in july. My family are trusting me enough to leave me home alone. Which is always a trigger my AN says "oh to hell with it there's no one here you can finally exert control" and then things get out of hand from there. But I'm sick of being babied of being watched! Then we had breakfast out crepes and a hot chocolate roughly 900 calories by 10am! I don't generally eat out but there was literally us and no one else in the restaurant.
Tomorrow I have a GP appt my eating has gotten out of hand in a I can't stop kinda way. I want to ring and cancel I just feel blobbish and like I'm expanding at a rate of notts I want to hide from the world not confront my eating disorder. It's either all or nothing. And I'm working on returning to the latter. I just need to taste it...again. Just once more. Is that too much to ask? But my body craves food 24/7.
My mum then needed to make a medical refund claim so off we went. Whilst we waited I asked if she was going to make a claim to be my 'carer' again as she then receive's benefits and I'm not exactly paying my way (it's a bit hard when i have no money because i lend it all to my dad). She abruptly told me no its too much of a pain to get organised she doesn't want to baby me and she still holds out hope i will get a job and move out sometime this year. Master of subtlety right there.
So maybe I will organise a resume
...tomorrow
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