I went to match works a disability looking for work agency here in oz. I wanted to get the draft for a resume and the lady wasn't going to give it to me because I didn't want their help to find a job. So I lied and said "sure I'll link in although I'm not obliged to with my centerlink care plan". Their a free service but what's wrong with wanting to get a job off my own bat? Apparently a lot the lady really shook me and from then on my anxiety was noticeable to everyone. And by everyone I mean my GP.
I went to my GP appointment anxiety biting at my bones my leg bouncing my arms folded my eyes averted. I really didn't want to be there. I wanted to run home and cuddle up in my duvet. But I stayed true to my nature and attended.
She was really upset with me today that I'm so reluctant to want recovery that the only reason I'm engaging in 'treatment' is to please my parents. She asked the routine questions
Sleep?
Eating?
Symptomatic?
Medication?
Self harm?
Money?
And I gave my routine answers
Broken.
Restricted.
No.
Fine.
A little.
Penniless.
We agreed I'd see her fortnightly and my councillor tri weekly. So I will have one week appointment free. I have to get bloods next appointment which just seems pointless. She wants me to report if I become symptomatic but we all know I won't. I'm always "fine" or "ok". Which generally means I'm not but we don't push it anymore. And she said today she wouldn't weigh me the thought of her making me step in those scales made my heart freeze!
She hopes my councillor can 'sow the seeds of recovery' I'm ambivalent. But I'm just about willing to give anything a try. Desperate times call for desperate measures
... I don't think I'm quite desperate yet.
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