The new old crazy

Nothing makes sense anymore I don't know what I'm in this game for. What do I achieve through anorexia other then ruining my families lives? I want it to stop but I'm like a drug addict waiting for my next fix. And right now, I'm hanging for it! All the mechanisms it used to serve purpose for have ceased now it's like a bad smell I can't get rid of it's like mould; given the right conditions it feasters. 

I want to move out and my parents have gone from kicking me out to not letting me leave because I'm "not financially independent enough to support" myself. So I guess that's settled; I need a job. ASAP. Let the job hunt begin. Blah.

I wonder if I would kill myself from insanity or starving? Whichever comes first I suppose. I fear it would be the foremost. What if I die fat? How is it that can be my biggest fear in life? It takes pride over dying alone. Marginally. 

I need to make something. Anything. Of my life! The first step starts Monday when I get a resume done up for me so I can start looking around the joint for someone willing to hire an unqualified 19yr old crazy drop out. Yep that just about sums me up!

Anyway I'm out of things to say my mind is on high alert like a cat about to pounce but something is stepping on my tail holding me back. At least I stuck to the 'new' old rule of <600calories pulling in at 580. Which is a calorie deficit for the day.