Out of constructive

I haven't posted for a few days...My psychologist said I should start posting again and crocheting again as it might help ease my anxiety and un clog my thoughts. Well, here I am! What do I say I feel like the spotlight is on me now and i should say something constructive, well I'm out of constructive all i have is mess. 

My psychologist knows I've been living off soup and thinks i should re-enter my supplements just so i can stay out of hospital until the specialist unit has a bed, but, I just can't do it... 

I was weighed yesterday...blind weighed. I choose this as I thought maybe just maybe i could deal with it... I couldn't. Now I'm fasting again, chai tea come at me! 

It's just turned 12pm here 'lunchtime'  and I just had a chai tea because I don't want to eat so I know I need something in me just while I kickstart this fast again and I feel so guilty I was going to allow myself 3 chai teas a day then i decided 2 and now I'm thinking one. I've used up my "guilt free" drink for the day and I still feel guilty! No more to eat or drink today unless its a sip to down 10laxatives... *sighs* Why does anorexia control me so much!? I used to control it, not anymore its all or nothing and right now nothing seems the safer option :(

Oh and I have a dr's appt tomorrow with my gp I haven't seen her for a year LITERALLY! I apparently have to see her weekly whilst my intake is so low and I'm shitting myself so scared she'll think i'm fat now that I've gained 30kg since my lowest weight so scared not looking forward to seeing her maybe i'll ring the gp and say im sick...? The irony.

Stepped on the scales with my eyes closed. Open them to a nice surprise I haven't gained weight nor have I lost but thank heavens I didn't gain! Plus this was after not taking laxatives for 4days and being unable to ah 'use' the bathroom and also after drinking a chai tea woopie should see a loss tomorrow :DDD

My Dad just commented on me not eating again and asked "why" in a moaning tone. I guess he'll just never truly understand the working of my brain all my goals disappear when I get sick, I just can't do life.

Almost passed out in the bath... In a sick way I've missed that feeling in another way that feeling SCARED THE SHIT OUTTA ME! :/

The words of my psychologist are ringing throughout my head "take responsibility for yourself if you need to go to hospital" ... I think this is one of those moments I'm supposed to be taking responsibility for... Although I don't ACTUALLY know...

As i said, completely out of constructive....

You are the light

Finally after a week of living off one chai tea a day I'm allowing myself 90calories worth of soup. It's not a lot but it's something! My next goal is to up the anti and allow myself a vegetarian meal plan. I have to push myself if I'm ever to have an independent life away from the watchful eye of my parents. It's torturous at the moment my head is doing circles but I have to look at the end game. I heard a quote once which went something like "There is no light at the end of the tunnel there is only you. You are the light" I just have to keep reminding myself of this. I am the only one that will save me.

I haven't been doing much crochet but I have been watching a lot of documentaries on anorexia a tv series called 'intervention' I can't tell if it's triggering to my anorexia or not but I'm hooked. I've also been doing a 2.2k walk a day it's not a lot but I'm working up to my bigger 6k walks I was doing at my sickest it's just so hard when you don't have the energy. But yet I continue to push myself. I keep looking at my end goal of being at my 'dream' weight again. I'm just not comfortable with where I'm at. I have been weighing myself religiously again which I know is a bad habit today I promised not to weigh myself and I have kept that promise. And I am proud of this achievement I will try to leave weighing to my psychologist so I can focus on attempting an oral meal plan.

This is much of a nothing post but I felt an update was needed the world is just such a scary place at the moment my Anorexia feels like the safest thing. I think I have also just realised that part of my downfall may be that I haven't been keeping up with my regular meds...woops.

Xx Bec xX

JCU

Yesterday was a full on day I had outpatients with my psychiatrist which was pointless. He spoke of what might trigger my relapses but I kind of shut him out because I'm sick of the blame game. They all blame it on my parents being financially dependent on me which it's not about. It's about me being unable to handle being 'fat' me being unable to continue to eat a meal plan of 2,500calories me being unable to look at myself in a mirror.

Well after my psychiatrist attempted to delve into the furtherest corner of my brain he gave me the 'I want to wean you off lorazapam' talk. He say's it's an addictive drug and should only be used in the short term. I haven't used it for so long and right now my anxiety is so high I NEED it just to get through the day. Even though I'm not eating. Everything just sets my anxiety off smells, people and chai tea (which is all I'm living off, one a day).

My psychologist then decided she needed to weigh me as they were calling JCU to put me back on the waiting list. So we stood at the scales arguing about me wanting to see the  number and her wanting to blind weigh me. I won and all I learnt is that my scales at home are about 500g out.

After returning home I received a phone call calling me back into the clinic to get bloods done. As apparently JCU will require these results along with my weight. So back in I went, the nurse took three vials and attempted to take a fourth but because I'm dehydrated it was all sucked out of my veins and unattainable. 

My mum and I then went on a culinary adventure to the movies last night to watch the hundred foot journey. It ticked all the boxes comedy, adventure, and romance with a side of anxiety. I of course didn't eat any popcorn and just drank my two regular diet coke's. What a PIG!

And to my dismay I jumped on the scales again this morning to find I had gained 400g from yesterday. Not impressed. Why did I drink those cokes!? Looks like I'm going on a 3day complete fast. I'm not sure this is a good idea as I find it extremely hard to reintroduce things that I cut out of my diet ie. yoghurt and diet jelly. But my head screws with me so much that it seems to be the necessary precautions I need to take to punish myself for my mistakes I made yesterday.

My dad commented last night on my frequency to the bathroom and asked "You haven't been taking laxatives again have you?" *cough cough* "no, I have diarrhoea" and yet I still abused them after the confrontation I've downed maybe 20-30 laxatives in the last 5 days.

At least my team and I are on the same page. We are all working to keep me out of hospital in the short term until they can get me into JCU which I feel too fat for at the moment so a lot of causalities are on the horizon in the coming weeks and months.

Happy Anniversary

Happy Anniversary

Today marks two years since I was originally diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. I have missed out on so many opportunities (and continue to do so) and learnt so much too! Nobody can love us until we settle with liking ourselves.

Its a battle everyday where the only causality are the people your hurting by letting them watch you slowly starve to death and yourself.

I have gained 30kilos in the last year and a whole lot of guilt self disgust and deceit. My mindset is still the same I still have that voice in my head saying "Your an ugly fat piece of shit. Your an undeserving wasteful pig" etc

I went for my first walk today but had to cut it to one third of the length feeling quite sick and dizzy i guess thats what comes when your body is lacking in vital nutrients and your destroying it even more by taking 10 laxative as a punishment for 7calorie diet jelly!

I have an 'emergency appointment' with my psychiatrist tomorrow I'm tempted to ring and cancel but its part of my CTO conditions; to attend all appointments. And I need a script. I'm just so scared of what he'll do and the way he'll look at me with sadness in his eyes that I'm the one he couldn't help.

I just don't know how to open my mouth and eat something of substance or anything really even my 'safe' yoghurt is no longer 'safe'

My birthday is in less then a month and I need to lose 5kg to reach X weight, I know it's doable!

Such a waste of resources and time and space :(

OP, laxative my old pal

Well as per every week I had an Outpatients appt at the clinic with my psychologist that invited the registrar along. That didn't end well, I told him I hate him and wouldn't speak with him in the room. He quickly left. So then I was left with my psychologist. How could I possibly lie to that? I had to be open and honest since I'd quite abruptly made him leave. Which meant telling her I'm not eating nearly as much as I should be.

She was real sweet about it and didn't force anything upon me but did give me three options
1. send you home to starve
2. send you home to try and eat
3. send you to hospital

I worked on the first two options but told her I'm finding it extremely difficult to just open my mouth for food she understood and suggested we put a referral into melbourne solemnly I hung my head and agreed.

How did I get this sick so fast I can never understand how anorexia can just rear its ugly head when things are going so well!

She didn't weigh me due to my honesty so that was a relief. I have to get a script written up for lorazapam because I'm running out rapidly due to my increased anxiety so she booked an appointment on thursday with the consultant and just quietly I'm shitting myself, he's lovely but very domineering. He gets what he wants and I'm scared that'll be straight to hospital no beating around the bush. I have to put my best case forward which means attempting to eat soup and diet jelly for the next two days. Likeliness of happening...0

Yesterday I bought 2 boxes of laxatives popped them all and put them in a little mesh bag and hid them in my teddy I am no longer 1 year free of laxatives as I popped and swallowed them like candy.

Tomorrow marks 2 years since my diagnosis of Anorexia maybe that's my trigger? I always find it hard around this time of year for that fact. I don't know, the point is I've relapsed and my team know and are pushing to do something. If I'm lucky I'll convince the consultant to do the NGT at home in the meantime *sighs*

Today's promise's

Today is filled with promises.

Today I promise not to eat until dinner.

Today I promise to meet up with an old school friend.

Today I promise not to drink coffee like I should be.

Today I promise to love myself

Today I promise to not let anything get in the way

Today I promise to not make this a battle of the stronger Anorexic. But no doubt that's what it'll become. A battle of the stronger anorexic the more determined anorexic and the only prize at the end of this race is death. But still we'll race it believing we are the invincible couple.

My mum says I can get a gym membership if I'm eating healthy even if that means being vegetarian. I can't eat I'm in a lock down in my own body a battle of the wills and Anorexias will just happens to be the stronger half. So instead I'll get a gym membership then tell her I know she doesn't agree I know she's scared she'll lose me to this disease but I can't keep living in this house holed up with nothing to do but crochet here and there I need to get active and stop feeling like everything is going in slow motion. Because it is.

just a short one; safe foods

So today was my brother's 6th birthday party and I couldn't go for fear of having to eat McDonalds for, fear the tantalising smells that dance with your nostrils would enter my body and duplicate fat cells :/

My safe foods;
-vanilla forme yoghurt 175g 69cal
-diet jelly
-ensure 300cal
-pumpkin soup 90cal
-s&v rice cakes 95cal

Thats it my diminished safe food list and somehow my parents are understanding and supporting this new meal plan my Anorexia has devised maybe for the shear fact I'm still actually consuming something, for Christ's sake anything!

This was my brothers cake that ended in me ODing on my lorazapam nothing too serious though it just put me to sleep like a log