Happy Anniversary
Today marks two years since I was originally diagnosed with Anorexia Nervosa. I have missed out on so many opportunities (and continue to do so) and learnt so much too! Nobody can love us until we settle with liking ourselves.
Its a battle everyday where the only causality are the people your hurting by letting them watch you slowly starve to death and yourself.
I have gained 30kilos in the last year and a whole lot of guilt self disgust and deceit. My mindset is still the same I still have that voice in my head saying "Your an ugly fat piece of shit. Your an undeserving wasteful pig" etc
I went for my first walk today but had to cut it to one third of the length feeling quite sick and dizzy i guess thats what comes when your body is lacking in vital nutrients and your destroying it even more by taking 10 laxative as a punishment for 7calorie diet jelly!
I have an 'emergency appointment' with my psychiatrist tomorrow I'm tempted to ring and cancel but its part of my CTO conditions; to attend all appointments. And I need a script. I'm just so scared of what he'll do and the way he'll look at me with sadness in his eyes that I'm the one he couldn't help.
I just don't know how to open my mouth and eat something of substance or anything really even my 'safe' yoghurt is no longer 'safe'
My birthday is in less then a month and I need to lose 5kg to reach X weight, I know it's doable!
Such a waste of resources and time and space :(
No comments:
Post a Comment