JCU

Yesterday was a full on day I had outpatients with my psychiatrist which was pointless. He spoke of what might trigger my relapses but I kind of shut him out because I'm sick of the blame game. They all blame it on my parents being financially dependent on me which it's not about. It's about me being unable to handle being 'fat' me being unable to continue to eat a meal plan of 2,500calories me being unable to look at myself in a mirror.

Well after my psychiatrist attempted to delve into the furtherest corner of my brain he gave me the 'I want to wean you off lorazapam' talk. He say's it's an addictive drug and should only be used in the short term. I haven't used it for so long and right now my anxiety is so high I NEED it just to get through the day. Even though I'm not eating. Everything just sets my anxiety off smells, people and chai tea (which is all I'm living off, one a day).

My psychologist then decided she needed to weigh me as they were calling JCU to put me back on the waiting list. So we stood at the scales arguing about me wanting to see the  number and her wanting to blind weigh me. I won and all I learnt is that my scales at home are about 500g out.

After returning home I received a phone call calling me back into the clinic to get bloods done. As apparently JCU will require these results along with my weight. So back in I went, the nurse took three vials and attempted to take a fourth but because I'm dehydrated it was all sucked out of my veins and unattainable. 

My mum and I then went on a culinary adventure to the movies last night to watch the hundred foot journey. It ticked all the boxes comedy, adventure, and romance with a side of anxiety. I of course didn't eat any popcorn and just drank my two regular diet coke's. What a PIG!

And to my dismay I jumped on the scales again this morning to find I had gained 400g from yesterday. Not impressed. Why did I drink those cokes!? Looks like I'm going on a 3day complete fast. I'm not sure this is a good idea as I find it extremely hard to reintroduce things that I cut out of my diet ie. yoghurt and diet jelly. But my head screws with me so much that it seems to be the necessary precautions I need to take to punish myself for my mistakes I made yesterday.

My dad commented last night on my frequency to the bathroom and asked "You haven't been taking laxatives again have you?" *cough cough* "no, I have diarrhoea" and yet I still abused them after the confrontation I've downed maybe 20-30 laxatives in the last 5 days.

At least my team and I are on the same page. We are all working to keep me out of hospital in the short term until they can get me into JCU which I feel too fat for at the moment so a lot of causalities are on the horizon in the coming weeks and months.