Out of constructive

I haven't posted for a few days...My psychologist said I should start posting again and crocheting again as it might help ease my anxiety and un clog my thoughts. Well, here I am! What do I say I feel like the spotlight is on me now and i should say something constructive, well I'm out of constructive all i have is mess. 

My psychologist knows I've been living off soup and thinks i should re-enter my supplements just so i can stay out of hospital until the specialist unit has a bed, but, I just can't do it... 

I was weighed yesterday...blind weighed. I choose this as I thought maybe just maybe i could deal with it... I couldn't. Now I'm fasting again, chai tea come at me! 

It's just turned 12pm here 'lunchtime'  and I just had a chai tea because I don't want to eat so I know I need something in me just while I kickstart this fast again and I feel so guilty I was going to allow myself 3 chai teas a day then i decided 2 and now I'm thinking one. I've used up my "guilt free" drink for the day and I still feel guilty! No more to eat or drink today unless its a sip to down 10laxatives... *sighs* Why does anorexia control me so much!? I used to control it, not anymore its all or nothing and right now nothing seems the safer option :(

Oh and I have a dr's appt tomorrow with my gp I haven't seen her for a year LITERALLY! I apparently have to see her weekly whilst my intake is so low and I'm shitting myself so scared she'll think i'm fat now that I've gained 30kg since my lowest weight so scared not looking forward to seeing her maybe i'll ring the gp and say im sick...? The irony.

Stepped on the scales with my eyes closed. Open them to a nice surprise I haven't gained weight nor have I lost but thank heavens I didn't gain! Plus this was after not taking laxatives for 4days and being unable to ah 'use' the bathroom and also after drinking a chai tea woopie should see a loss tomorrow :DDD

My Dad just commented on me not eating again and asked "why" in a moaning tone. I guess he'll just never truly understand the working of my brain all my goals disappear when I get sick, I just can't do life.

Almost passed out in the bath... In a sick way I've missed that feeling in another way that feeling SCARED THE SHIT OUTTA ME! :/

The words of my psychologist are ringing throughout my head "take responsibility for yourself if you need to go to hospital" ... I think this is one of those moments I'm supposed to be taking responsibility for... Although I don't ACTUALLY know...

As i said, completely out of constructive....