6 weeks 'clean' and drowning

I don't know where to begin long time no see? And no just because of my hiatus does not mean i was in hospital. Not this time. I'm 6 weeks 'clean'.

I honestly don't know what to say I'm at a loss for words. Lets just say I'm not doing to well on the eating disorder forefront. I'm putting on my smily face and trying to prove to the world i can do this that i am happy and loving life. Friends from treatmetn keep asking how i am and i keep saying "great really well thank and you?" I wish, The sad truth is i'm not. I'm not happy I'm not ok and i'm not loving life. Honestly I want my anorexia to kill me as youve heard me say before i'll say it again and its sad seeing myself at this point again.

I have picked up cutting again after at least a 6 month stretch of no self harm (I dont consider my anorexia self harm).

I have picked up scrapbooking and journalling again. My psychs always telling me to get back into old hobbies and i just feel so shit right now im desperate and will do anything. Usually I just don't do anything. I did some more of my painting too (I started a 3-day-project lets see I have taken up camp in the kitchen lol) . My psych was really impressed and asked me to bring some along if I'd like. I might even give her the painting its a trial run of what i want to do on my wall. Photos to come when it's finished of course. 

I don't know what else to say other then today's appointment. Disaster. I want to cry just thinking about it. I was honest. So she did a blind weigh to get a base weight. She wants me to do dbt or cat therapy which involves changing teams (and being diagnosed as bpd- borderline personality disorder- which i refuse to be diagnosed as) and i don't feel ready to i like her and i have a lot more work to do i'm so unsteady. 

She says i have " an extremely strong eating disorder and I don't want you to live alone because you will end up in hospital faster then you know it. I want you to go into mental health housing if you are to move out." So  now she wants me to convince my dad that i should go there. Shes going to ring him. I don't know if i want to i could get away with a lot in there but i could get away with a lot more on my own lets face it and hey i might even die young? sorry i know morbid but i'm so down right now i dont care.

im so drained emotionally. i can feel the pull of the tide and i'm drowning. I actually WANT to drown end all this shit. pills pills pills anorexia anorexia anorexia. Might actually take my medication today and a double (or triple) dose. I need to sleep. And i haven't taken my medication for two weeks as i was running out :/ but i NEED it NOW! I NEED something :''( and whats worse is i don't see my dr until the 12th.