cage

"You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage.
Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself...
It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself."
- Breakfast at Tiffany's

I'm running but from what? From who? I'm running from myself I'm running to my Anorexia like I've done so many times before. I'm running. Bolting. You might even mistaken me for Usain Bolt if you saw me beside the road pounding the concrete in the hot summer sun. 

I rang my gp today to see if there was any spare appointments an there wasn't like i suspected there never is she's so busy. Its only her and one other lady. In a huge complex which is home to 3 different services. Well I rang to get a script written up and asked them if they could get her to leave it at reception. She agreed. I arrived and the script still wasn't ready, so they rang her. A good 3 minutes later she popped out of her office and handed me the slip and asked how i was i mumbled "ok" which we all know is code for "I'm struggling...a lot" she asked if i had an appt booked with her i said yes on the 12th she turned to me and replied we will talk then, I nodded. At least i got my meds. 

I'm preoccupied again my anorexia ravaging my every thought like poison entering your blood stream. i know I'm slipping and I love it and hate it all at once. I feel like I'm letting everyone down. I'm not the 75% self proclaimed recovering failure that i keep acting like i am. Even my dreams are consumed i am having nightmares about having a tube put in again and being pinned down to the bed by code grey security men *shudders*