Today is D day I have officially relapsed...i think. I am refusing to eat. I am hurting my grandparents I know they both hate to see me this way but i can't stop it. I wish i could. My grandma asked me what was wrong as i hadn't left my room all day (its now 1.30) so i told her i was struggling so of course she told my grandpa. My grandpa then came in and asked if i wasnt going to grace them with my presence I replied no and he asked why i told him i was struggling i didn't want to eat and i wanted to go home because i didn't want to be a burden on them. He told me i wasn't a burden i wasnt failing (like i also told him i felt like) and if i wanted to go home we could arrange that but just to please think about it. I'm a mess I want this to and fro of anorexia to end it hurts so bad it tears families apart. My gran just came in and asked what i wanted for lunch i told her i didn't want anything and she said you might not want anything but you need something it might help. IT DOENS'T FUCKING HELP I KNOW MY BRAIN AND WHAT IT DOES TO ME WHEN I EAT IT HATES ME AND BERATES ME!!! Shes only trying to help but she doesn't understand even if she wants too.
My grandpa is spending more time with his exchange students daughter then me. He doesn't seem to care much for my company which is really disheartening my psychologist wants to ship me off to another team. The world is just piling up on top of me. I can't cope with abandonment. I wasn't coping with my anorexia before i came up here so why did i think it would be any different when i got here? Probably because i can't hurt my grandparents i can't let them watch me die.
I think its time to go home mum and dad won't support me its just not fair on any of my family :'(
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