Carpe Diem

I have a week until i go away for a month and my life is falling apart at the seams i dont know if i can last another week of trying to act normal i just want to fall headlong and stop the torment inside my head :(.

i see my gp on the 12th and my psych on the 13th she knows im not holding up well but not to the extent and then i leave on the 14th until feb 11th. I'm not even looking forward to going away anymore because i dont want to be a burden on my grandparents which i will be but i cant waste the money, my anorexia is calling me.

Its made even more difficult as my parents have gone away for the weekend which is usually a time for my anorexia to 'seize the day' carpe diem but at the same time i'm torn between wanting recovery and wanting relapse. I guess I'm just scared i will end up back in hospital with a tube. And more importantly in our general psych ward (which can't help for shit). Thats what i am ultimately scared of not so much as the relapsing. 

this is my painting i still have to paint the bird but you get the picture 

UPDATE: I just weighed myself for the first time since going into hospital I gained 15Kilos I am at my heaviest I'm bawling my eyes out and i refuse to eat from here on out looks like i wont be going away :'( skinny is worth more to me then family look at my priorities