Adequately showing it

Today has been a hurricane of emotions. I expect this to be a short entry.

It started early at 5am I crept from my bed used the bathroom threw my clothes off went to my grandparents bathroom and retrieved the scale I took it to the kitchen a flat lino surface as a pose to their carpet bathroom. Breathe one, two, three step on eyes closed heart racing hands shaking. Open your eyes breathe deep and again look down. Two kilos gone.

I am officially no longer at my highest weight. Boo yeah! It's like a drug you see that and you long for more anorexia longs for more she longs for your life she won't be truly happy until she's stolen everything good you once had from you. She won't be happy until your dead. You pray to be thrown from the mortal coil too.

2pm came around and i was summoned from my room. I had been locked in there since yesterday arvo a mixture of crying and numbness. I took my place in the family room questioning what a family was because this sure doesn't feel like one.

Fast forward to this afternoon my grandpa asked when i was going home and that it would be best. I tried to tell him i didn't hate him and he told me i was "Adequately showing it". He went for a sleep and left me sitting there in yet another flurry of tears. I couldn't turn them off and for once i didn't want to I embraced them it made me feel better.

I went to the kitchen and spoke to my grandma through tears i told her "i didn't hate her i told her i didn't want to do it anymore and i hated anorexia but felt powerless" she held me and told me she loved me and knew i didn't hate her she said she knew i didn't want anorexia. That was all i could ask for.

Now i am left questioning what will happen to me where to from here. Home? Here? Eating? Not eating? I don't know! I want to try to eat a little something but now i've started i don't feel i can stop.