Another failure

I'm numb.

Chilled to the core.

I break out in tears like a heat rash.

I'm inconsolable.

I went to church this morning to repent my sins. So much for repenting. I felt like the sore thumb sticking out in a crowd. I felt alienated. I felt ...I felt ...I felt!

Well I came home and fell asleep on the couch in the sitting room. I was tired what can I say. I'm losing energy faster then I can get something into my body. My grandma came in asking if i was going to eat I jumped from where i slept and mumbled no thanks.

I went back to sleep.

I woke up. And sat at the table with my gran and great aunt. I had asked my gran early in the morning if she was going to the shops. I wanted to buy jelly. Diet jelly. Safe jelly. She needed to post a letter so i hung around like a bad smell. She sensed it. My phone rang. I answered it an retreated to the sitting room. Then i heard whispering. I walked over to the thin wall that separated the two rooms. They were talking about me "Is she eating anything? Drinking water?" "She's having one black coffee how dry!?" and the conversation evolved. By the end I didn't want to hear anymore. My gran said she didn't want me going to the shops because she thought I'd buy laxatives. I probably would of I'm running low. She said she was going to look at plane tickets home this week. She said my mum had told her there was nothing she could do you just have to wait. She said mum had said I'm not welcome home. That hit hard. Like a brick to the face hard.

Anyway my gran eloped to the supermarket whilst i sort refuge in the back room crying to my friend over the phone. She bought jelly. Full calorie jelly. I freaked. I was angry. I'm going to tell her i don't eat that flavour of jelly whats the point in me trying to eat something if my family don't want me?

I'm just a burden

Another failure.