Word vomit

Be prepared for word vomit my friends. It's the only kind of vomit i can do right now. Trust me i tried to throw up my coffee. Yep that desperate. Lucky for me it din't work. I hate purging I haven't purged for over a year! Yay go me.

I tossed and turned all night with a bare few hours sleep. I'm restless. I keep thinking about calories in calories out. I must get up and do something. And inevitably getting up at least five times to use the bathroom (to no avail). I would be lucky to (TMI) pee 100mls over the course of a day. Clearly one coffee isn't sufficient for my kidneys. C'mon don't fail me now body we're just at the start.

Anyway after the toilet disaster i throw my clothes off run down the stairs turn the kitchen light on in my underwear retrieve the scales from the bathroom and weigh myself.

...No movement.

How is this possible!?

Weigh myself in the bathroom on the carpet and I'm down 2kg.

I don't know which to trust. I can't be staying stagnant on one coffee and three laxatives a day no way it's not possible. I've done this before. So maybe I trust the scales on a dodgy floor? Either way I've met gw1! I'm down at least 11lbs- 5kg (max 15.4lbs- 7kg) since tuesday.

I ended up getting a phone call from the online service I've been engaging with last night. They are "very concerned" about me they wanted me to go to A&E despite me saying i felt fine (Honestly i do) and saying my granddad was a dr. They asked for me to give them my grandparents number so they could talk to them again i refused. They asked for my home address again i said no (I'm not falling for that trick they would of sent an ambulance). So they said they would contact my team back home today and get them to get in contact with me. My team don't work monday's I tried to tell them. Well I have a scheduled phone call with my psych tomorrow so no doubt this won't be the last I hear.

I had a phone call from the clinic here again they are also "very concerned" about me. Having met me once how can they decide that? Especially as i was eating at that time. They urged me to come in and said I didn't need an appt just walk in they really want to see me. My "I'm ok" was seen as a mask. I don't want to see them. I said I'd think about it. I've thought about it. How about...No?

My friend back home has contacted homeless refuges or me today where she was faced with a brick wall and told i needed to contact them. Like that's gonna happen I hate talking over the phone to people I don't know (strange considering its anonymous). She urged me to a) See a GP b) Go to the clinic. Both i said no to. Then she was angry with me so I agreed. Silently crossing my fingers, like hell that's gonna happen I'm not falling for that they will throw me in hospital!

I decided to go to sleep. Try to catch up on what i missed out on last night. 1 hour. 1 fkn hour! Thats all i got and still I was tossing and turning i was dozing not sleeping. I left my room and took up a pew in the kitchen. My grandpa asked me sarcastically "How's the study going you've been in there 6-8 hrs" (I had been in there 2hrs) anyway I snapped back "I wasn't studying i was trying to sleep. There's no point gran doesn't want me i heard her talking to my aunt yesterday" My gran then jumped in"I never said that" funny pretty sure I'm the only one living off black coffee. Funny I asked for jelly and you wouldn't let me because you thought I'd buy laxatives. Funny because I'm the only person you would be putting on a flight home this week to a family that doesn't want her! Stupid alcohol and selective memory. She's as sick as me. Her and her "I have no problems I'm so lucky" she's in as much denial as me!

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