Fucking trying!

This morning started as many do now days I woke early, threw my hair into a messy bun perched on top of my head and headed for the bathroom. This morning though no weighing took place for the first time in about two weeks it was both relieving and anxiety provoking.

I made my way to the kitchen. Took a soup cup from the draw a teaspoon followed by my yoghurt and my scales from the far corner of the bench. I meticulously weighed out 50g a whole 20calories. I sat there thoughts racing through my head this weird taste in my mouth from having not eaten for a week. I washed it down the sink after barely a teaspoon eaten, and went about my day as i usually would praying i didn't bloat from my 'breakfast'.

We finished school an hour early but i hung around to study with a group of people i had met in the morning as we waited for the doors to be opened. They were a good group to study with on the ball and active participants in conversation related to study.

I returned home after getting lost and disorientated walking through the park. I had never walked that way before but who knows maybe I'll do it again. If I go back to school.

Why the negativity you may ask? Well I got home about 12pm. Lunch time. My grandma made a salad with potato. Potato being one of my biggest fear foods. And considering i haven't been eating anything someone else makes is fearful. I rang my mum in a state of panic and asked her to please talk to my gran and tell her I'd make my own food. My mum's reply "I'm 1000km away what do you want me to do?" talk to my grandma! So off i went to face up and confront her heart racing "Gran" "Yes darling?" *inhale* *exhale* "Would you please not make me food I will make my own" "Fine! I will put it on the table don't eat it throw it in the bin waste it. This disorder of yours is ridiculous (or something along those lines)" 

So she put it on the table and i retreated to my bedroom to be alone with my own mind crying screaming at myself. Grandpa told me my lunch was ready. It took me a few moments then i went down and sat at the table contemplating eating it or point blank refusing it. My grandma came back and said something else what I can't remember. I cried and screamed "I didn't ask you to make me anything I can make my own" my grandpa telling my grandma not to engage in conversation (or argument) and then me not to cry because it was all "your fault"

So much for the communicating you urged me to do grandpa no wonder why i bottle shit up!

So again like time and time before I returned to my room crying and screaming. "I was fucking trying! I ate bread and full calories jelly yesterday! (Both fear foods) I was trying I was going to continue trying." Now I don't see the point once i told my mum i had spoken to my grandma and she was angry my mum told me to "come home saturday and stop wasting everyones time" I WAS FUCKING TRYING! What more did they want I was going to order my ensures and forticremes too