Dichotomy

Anorexia haunts me. It brings me to my knees. I think of what a waste this is of my life. It keeps me on my toes. Maybe even thrills me? I don't know.

This time I've become ill it's different. I want to be well. I do.But I also need to hold anorexia close one last time. I need to know it's the last time and then, let it go.

I question why am I doing this? I know where the beginning and end is. I know what happens and yet I go back time and time again. I just want to eat and be healthy and happy but I can’t. I can't have it both ways it seems. Teach me how you do it? 

My life turned from ill to healthy to a new beginning to a living nightmare all in the space of 7 months. 7 months since my last relapse 6 months since my last hospital admission 3 months since my last discharge 2 months since my new beginning and now 3 weeks since my latest relapse into hell. It's been a journey and I've ruined all the hard work all the progress I made towards recovery.

Out of desperation last night and hopelessness ready to give up and succumb to my anorexia I had one more fight left in me. I rang Melbourne health triage to see about getting an admission there. They told me I need to see my gp to get a referral and regularly as I'm in a "very dangerous situation" I said I would and being a women of her word I will attempt to. When I become medically compromised again 2-3 weeks down the track I will be presenting to Melbourne for treatment I have lost all hope in Geelong. 

I gained 600g since Thursday I was pumped with 2l worth of fluid yesterday which means I should of gained 2kg I gained 600g which means, I've lost weight and water weigh is a sinch to lose so it'll be gone and more in no time woo hoo. Weighing is becoming a constant again. It dictates what I can do ie. today I was only allowed 250mls of diet coke (as I 'gained') after 5pm (usually 3-4pm) and it had to take me at least 10minutes to drink it took me 20. 

Rules rules rules = 'gains' 'gains 'gains

I'm going to move my box tonight where all my belonging are packed so I can start my excessive exercise again. I'm awake at 3am twiddling my thumbs so I'm gonna go for a walk. It brings me such satisfaction that I can be so controlled and deprive my body of everything it needs. I will be superhuman.

I learnt a new word today dichotomy means polar opposites and my brain dictionary increases  :) very appropriate for today's blog post though I believe

Night peeps