Too and Fro is almost a go

My life is like a horror film on repeat I can't shut it off.

My mum just rang me last night. I purposely didn't answer her phone call. She left a message. That I should "come home and go to hospital" fuck her fuck that screw everyone I refuse to go to hospital I refuse to seek treatment from this moment on!

Then my grandma came into my room this morning and told me she had spoken to my dad last night. My dad wants me to start looking at going home today that I need to go to hospital because I'm "killing myself" and I'm just getting worse this has been the "pattern of your life for the past three years" I told her I'm not booking to go home if they want me home so bad they can book it. See I'm (or my anorexia which is a part of me whatever) am not wanted. I was told I'm not trying haven't been trying and why didn't I just come home Saturday when I was booked?

Life is fun

Life sucks

Then the rest of the day took place, my poppy in NSW is very sick we don't know whats wrong yet.  

He was transfered from his little rural country bumpkin hospital to the nearest major hospital in Sydney

My granddad then told me i need to "grow up and be mature get on with life and make an effort" and that I wasn't allowed to go home as my family is already under too much stress with my poppy being ill.

My dad rang me and told me its not fair on my grandparents for me not to be not eating any longer and told me to book a flight home either tomorrow or the next day. I didn't argue. I'm going home tomorrow i get in at 4.20pm. I'm praying for an end soon

So the long start to my next episode of recovery starts tomorrow :( please don't make me go to hospital. I know i passed out  on you today but nobody saw nobody knew. Please body hold out on me I'm begging you.

My friend back home that triggered me with her uncompliance when we were in treatment and whom i think i trigger (every time i tell her i've relapsed a mere few days later she comes clean that she has, coincidence?) was admitted to hospital yesterday and sectioned under the Mental Health act (her bodies just shit and can't deal with the strain of anorexia unlike mine no my body isn't superhuman it just holds out longer and better but when it comes crashing down it comes crashing down hard!) anyway she absconded so i called the police on her (what a shit friend i am? but she would of done the same for me) anyway they found her and now she's in hopsital. I'm dreading going back because if (and if we're going to be realistic when) I get admitted we will be there together again. Disastrous combination we are.

Blah what a day