Pushing the limits and venturing out

Down 

Down

Down

Down the pounds

Down the rabbit hole

Where is the up up up?

I feel the anorexia wrap around me like a second skin 

It's chilling warmth

3weeks since I last ate tomorrow

10.6kilos lost

4.3kilos until my goal weight

I can see it

I can smell it

I'm almost there

I just need a little more time

I never imagined getting this small again

It seemed like a dream

Now it seems like a reality

Please lord just give me a little more time

Please sue trust me that I know my body

And it's limits

I'm begin to dare I say it like my body!

Today I was forced on a family outing to Melbourne. They had a huge fest on. The kids loved it initially I hated it but I began to settle. It was ...Fun, relaxing and gave me peace of mind. 

I still felt like everyone was looking at me and whispering "fatty" I guess my opinion and self consciousness grows in times of relapse maybe because I'm more preoccupied with myself? I'm not entirely sure. But I wasn't afraid to run into anyone well almost I was afraid to run into ex patients and nurses but when you stop and think about it the chances weren't all that high in comparison to those of my home town. 

But the food it's a common denominator in many of my posts at the moment it smelt amazing looked saturated in calories (which I could die for right now) and everyone was indulging in it. Except me. I allowed myself a treat though about 200-300mls of icy water. I shouldn't have though because now I know I will gain tomorrow I'm a fat pig like that. I know the rules so why can't I just abide by them?!

Tomorrow I have to look at getting an 'emergency' appointment with my gp which by my standards is not an emergency but I've promised many I would. If she's not in I count my lucky stars if she is I cross my fingers and hope for a miracle. I hate venturing out. I hate socialising. Hence why today was so hard. Especially since I have stopped taking all my meds even the ones that help. Who knows they could make me insatiably hungry have hidden calories make me balloon to the size of a small whale? WHO KNOWS!? There's too many temptations too many ways to break the rules too many people I could run into. There's just simply too much!

I officially withdrew from school today. And I got my first assignment result 1 out of 1 passed. That made my night and yet saddened me somehow that I can't still be studying and achieving and making a life for myself it's overwhelming just thinking about :'(

Anyway it's almost midnight so I'm gonna hit the hah goodnight my lovelies