Tornado

It's been about a week and a half since I last blogged. I go to write something and then i get writers block. Nothing seems good enough. I don't seem good enough.

A lot happened as I mentioned a few posts earlier scary poppy (thats what we called him as kids as he used to poke his false teeth out at us and scare us) passed away so his funeral was monday just gone. There were many tears shed and most of the pictures showed a simple man with a slight addiction to alcohol. Well maybe a little more then slight...

My psychiatrist discharged me. So i asked my gp to find a private psychiatrist so she asked him and he said he would see me privately I DON'T UNDERSTAND! He would be doing the same job except getting paid more except in my case that wouldn't be so as he offered to bulk bill me i said i'd think about it but in the mean time i'm going to get relinked in with my first councillor. Boy have things changed. I'm still on weekly checkins with the gp. She's trying to get me to go back to school. I'm not ready yet. I'm not ready for another failure yet.

I started eating and in turn stopped weighing. I've been bouncing between eating one meal a day to liquid fasting and lets just say my weight is yo-yoing I feel like a fat blimp. I was so scared i would lose control and i fee like i have its a tornado ripping a path of destruction through my life.

I slipped into cutting last week followed by purging. My 6yr old brother walked in on me yesterday thrusting two fingers down my throat and puke hanging from my mouth and dripping from my hands as i screamed at him to "Get out!" thank god he was 6 and had no idea. When did I become so desperate? It's depressing that beauty is seen as skinny in society. I wonder, what is pretty about laxative abuse about vomiting about bones that protrude like jagged knives beneath your layers of clothes? I'm going off on a tangent.

I have a friends house warming/birthday party tomorrow night but I'm going to pull the "i'm sick" card. Socialising sucks!

And last I've been looking at getting a tattoo for maybe the last year? Well I finally decided tonight on what I'm going to get (it's called a black light tattoo). For me its a symbol of hope and freedom. I'm going to see if my tattooist can make it a little more personal though. How I don't know :/. Now comes the hard part left shoulder blade or right? I'm thinking left but my tattoo on my wrist is on the left I don't really want to be unbalanced.