Blood test results yet again proved my stance of 'I'm ok' although there are red spots... Everywhere.
I'm starting to count down the days until Tuesdays appt. Two and a half. I'm dreading it. I'm praying. I'm planning on running away I just haven't figured out where yet. If he admits me after a day of not eating he's sure to admit me after four weeks. Maybe he'll be refreshed after his holiday and give me the benefit of the doubt. Ha. That's what dreams are for. Right? It makes me feel sick just thinking about it.
I start wanting my diet coke at 2am it makes for a very long day but when I finally allow myself the simple pleasure I almost don't want it anymore but if I allow my safe time to pass I know I won't get another opportunity for 24hrs and 24hrs to someone as malnourished and dehydrated as me is like a life time.
I went shopping today it wasn't planned. I rolled out of bed at 1 and decided to buy diet coke a salt lamp and finish my Easter shopping as I fear I won't get another chance. I ended up buying tea and books I didn't need but wanted. It was exciting to be nice to myself. Self indulgent as I deprive myself of everything else I hope the books ease the long nights if I can focus long enough to read more then a page I guess I have a lot of time on my hands.
I got home and my sister the one I'm not on speaking terms with was here but at least I got to see my niece I've missed her so much she's grown so much and even has teeth! She's 6 months next week. I loved having cuddles with her she reminds me of innocence. Something I wish I still had.
Sorry about yesterday's abrupt end to my post it usually takes me a whole day to write but I didn't have the energy and when I got around to it I felt so overwhelmed.
Also I think my weight is starting to stall which I'm ok with.
No comments:
Post a Comment